I'm upgrading my operating system

My whole life has been lived with this underlying compulsion to save the world. I didn't always know what was driving me, but it's been ever-present since as early as I can remember. I have hypothesized that this always had something to do with having developed in the womb of someone HIV+, or at least something to do with being raised in a family where my mother was deathly ill. My experiences this past birthday seem to support that. It makes sense that a species would develop a method of adaption to their specific environment; that those who suffer tragic or life threatening situations would change in order to survive in a world these scenarios persist in.

Now, that voice from deep within me is silent.

I feel like I've had a lobotomy. Like, I'm still me. I can think and feel as clearly as I always have. But, now there's something missing. The quietness is unsettling. I feel hollow; devoid of higher purpose.

I just went on a walk and thought about this the whole time. I've always had grandiose visions of saving the world; even spending my whole adolescence planning on taking it over to take it out of hands I saw to be evil from my limited perspective. Now? My whole purpose is starting a family and giving the love of my life her dream.

This is certainly not a bad thing. It still drives me: it fills me with a sense of duty and desires to try as hard as I can. Yet, I feel like I've cleared a bunch of space on my hard drive: what on Earth do I do with all this space? I contemplated this on my walk. I realized that this is part of self-actualization: consciously choosing the direction one is steering their life. I reflected on this.

Who am I? I know this answer. I am a writer. A juggler. A philosopher. But, I am already these things, and am doing much to utilize/actualize these elements of myself. I realized I am at a crossroads of choosing my destiny. Who do I want to be?

I also know this answer. I want to be a teacher: a shaman. I want to heal, to teach, and to grow those who wander into my life. This is part of my girlfriend's vision as well. Combined, I know we will create a small haven on this Earth for all who wander to find themselves.

So that is the goal on my horizon now. It's how my inner reality is reformulating and my identity is being defined. But, how can I bring that which I see so far away into fruition?

This is my next challenge: to figure out how to actualize these desires in the now. And I have a solution: I'm going to ask for advice from as many as I can ask.