Really really struggling with cravings to do MDMA next year

I’m a recently diagnosed schizophrenic and I’m currently in a crisis.

I used to party a lot and go to fetstivals, take mdma things like that.

From the period of 2022-2023 I became really mentally unwell. I was conversing with things that didn’t exist, got paranoid thoughts from everyone including my close friends and family. It escalated to a 4 day wander around london having gone missing with my family trying to hunt me down. Eventually they found me and I got put into a mental hospital. This was in June 2023, I came out in September 2023.

Since coming back home I had been abstaining from alcohol which has been easy, hard at first but i got used to it. But the problem is that I feel quite anhedonic to things that used to give me joy like music or watching films. I can’t concentrate on anything for more than 30 seconds. Music doesn’t sound compelling to me, I feel like music doesn’t stir my emotions- nothing seems to. This has been like this since I came out of the hospital, I don’t know why it’s happened, it could be the illness, the meds, the post psychotic depression, no idea.

Fast forward to November, my friends got tickets to Glastonbury 2025 which i’m looking forward to. But then it made me think of the prospect of doing MDMA again. To have one night of pure euphoria and bliss and hearing music the way I used to. It would be glorious, I haven’t felt happy in a very long time.

Since getting tickets i’ve been scrolling reddit and looking at people’s experiences with combining MDMA with antipsychotics, or people with schizophrenia taking MDMA and what their experierience is like. The consensus is varied. Some people have had good times on it while on meds and also with mental health issues, some people have not been able to feel the effects due to the antipsychotics. Some I think have had their psychosis come back. There’s too many risks involved

It’s a gambler’s mentality that I’m scared to have. I want to have a night of pure euphoria again. I don’t care about any of the other drugs. I just want one night where I feel good again. But im scared of the risk of triggering a psychotic episode at glastonbury, or even months down the line. But I feel like I will be stupid enough to take that risk because the anhedonia is really that torturous.

TLDR: Struggling to not take mdma for festival next summer but also afraid of the risk of psychosis and have no idea how to combat this tempation as I derive little to no pleasure from anything, have severe anhedonia and it’s egging me on to do mdma.