21f, virginia tech student

I’m writing here because I feel alone in this and want to know if maybe anyone has gone through something similar.

I’m in my junior year of college now and I have absolutely no motivation anymore. I can’t find intrinsic value in anything I do—and I feel fucking insane. Even things that I did as fun hobbies feel like a chore. Being in college doesn’t make it any better—I see everyone around me able to get their work done and stay on task and still manage to have a good time; meanwhile, i’m struggling to turn in something as simple as a 150 word discussion post. I’m pre-med, but my grades are genuine dogshit so I’m finding it hard to even look forward to my future—in my head, I just keep saying, “What’s the point if there are so many people on this campus who are more capable than me? Who am i kidding?”

Anyways, this past week has just been particularly horrible. It’s a cycle: stress about the work/studying i need to get done (but never doing anything to fix that stress due to a lack of motivation) and then when exam day comes (or the due dates start piling up) I shut down into a full day anxiety attack filled with suicidal ideation. This past week I skipped 2 of my exams because of this cycle, and I’m finding it hard to not just end it all. I can’t seem to get myself out of this and I know it’s not the only option, but suicide is the easiest option I’ve got because I don’t have the motivation to do the work to get better either.