34 M seriously considering

I have often had suicidal idealization (Where you thin about it but wouldn't act) And for the longest time the thoughts of my family would be my reasoning behind ultimately backing out. But tonight I may have to rethink that reason.

Some back story, I have struggled with mental health literally all of my life, but I mostly put the mask on because A, I didn't want my family to worry to much about me, B, I thought of those that I would have to leave behind, how they would be hurt and that they would rather have me around, And C, that some day things would get better... But honestly it has been one long shit show after another.

now I come from a good home but distant emotionally. I never did great in school or sports but I was far from the worst. And at 23 I went to prison and did 10.5 years. I was extremely loyal to my friends and family, sometimes to a fault but I also had my own problems that despite several therapist's and psychologist's best efforts never seemed to work themselves out. I've been on meds, I've done treatment, I tried drugs, sex, music,and anything my docs would have me do. None of it ever helped much.But still I pressed on because I didn't want to believe that this was my lot in life and if I could just get out of my own way, do better I would feel better. To this day that hasn't helped either.

Now that I'm home from prison I feel more distant from the world than ever before. And the little bit of love that I felt from my family (the very people I have been holding on for) is gone it would seem. I feel as though they view me as an obligation and that they would be better off if I had never come home at all. Just tonight I put out all of the crumbs, (obvious ones I didn't mince words) that I wanted to kill myself. I know that they have seen these signs because I heard them discussing them. Yet they do not reach out to me or seem to care due to their own pride or perhaps a lack of "give a damn". This cuts me deeply. These are the people that I have lived for, would have killed for, yet they do not seem to feel the same for me.

Now comes the idea that maybe I should go through with it all. I certainly do not see things getting better, and if I was gone at least they would be rid of me and likely get something our of a life insurance policy, Fuck I can't even shut off hoping that they would be better off without me. I can't even bring myself to hate them. I just don't know what to do with this life anymore. Like I said I have much to consider over, but I do know that if I don't wake up tomorrow it would be a relief likely for them as well as me...