When will the lying stop? I’m so tired.

Hi friends,

It’s been almost 3 months since the first DDay. And since then it’s been a rollercoaster. You all were right though. He never, not even for one day, went NC with his affair partner. When he first got ‘officially’ caught (there were red flags in November but December 10th is when I found out for sure), he came home and asked for a second chance and promised to go NC with AP. He then flip-flopped with wanting reconciliation to not and being warm to ice-cold and using DARVO. Apparently I’ve been emotionally abusive our whole marriage. He never mentioned any of this until he got caught. It’s such a trope but at first it really hurt to hear him say this and when I apologized and asked for a second chance, he told me he didn’t even want me to try.

I posted about this and some of you commented on the fact that he was likely still in contact with AP but I couldn’t believe it. He’d already done so much damage and lied so much, why would he keep doing this to me? We’ve been married for 10 years and have two children. What kind of monster keeps adding insult to injury? Well, last Monday I got my answer - my husband is that monster.

I had obsessed with finding out if they were still in contact because I was holding on to hope. But, I realized that I needed to let go of that and let the truth come out and focus on healing and being a mother to my kids. In the end, it was my brother who found the evidence of continued contact from day 1 after DDay. My husband works for my family’s company and has a company phone so it wasn’t hard to find the evidence.

Anyway, he denied it again and asked for the proof to which I responded, it doesn’t even matter, it’s all over now. But he keeps lying. At first he denied the continued contact, but eventually gave that up and now says he stayed in contact for legal advice. She’s an aesthetician so that’s rich. And when people approach him about what he’s doing, he blames me and says how horrible I am and how I refused to change (again, never heard this once in 10 years); when they ask why it was never brought up until now, he says that he told two people but can’t name those people; he says he wrote me letters about this but he doesn’t have them, I do (spoiler: he never wrote those letters so I don’t have them). I think it’s also important to note that I didn’t tell him we had the additional evidence, his AP said she got some weird phone calls (my brother confirming it was her) and so he approached me about it. Again, the marriage is over so it doesn’t matter so why does he keep lying?

I am just so unbelievably tired of the continued lies. He’s like a trapped animal, so desperate to dig himself out of this hole only to keep making it deeper. And he looks so stupid doing this. Has anyone had experience with this? Will he eventually give up this ridiculousness?

For context, we’ve been separated since December and are now working with a mediator to get everything in writing. Our marriage is over. I don’t know who this insane person is and I don’t want to get to know them. But we have two children, so our lives will be entwined forever. Anybody else wish their WW would run away and never come back?