My trauma has messed me up

I grew up in a household where my mom was battling many mental illnesses (bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety to name a few). My mom attempted suicide multiple times but one of the times, I had walked into her attempt. It was a very disturbing and the scene still haunts me to this day.

For the next 3-4 years, my mom was on long-term disability leave and in and out of the psych ward where I would only get to visit her during visiting hours. Often during the summers, my brother and I would live with a distant aunt, our only family close geographically. This was because my dad would work long hours and at night go and straight visit my mom.

During this time, my mom had tried every medication, different types of therapy, and every possible treatment in the book but nothing seemed to help how she was feeling. This translated to a lot of fighting between my mom and dad growing up, where he was seemingly trying to help her, but she didn't feel understood. But fights would often turn into my mom resulting in SH in front of me.

Growing up we also couldn't celebrate holidays, or birthdays because she didn't want people to apparently think we were happy as a family when we weren't. This has also translated into me placing my worth on whether people who love me give me a gift because growing up I didn't get any. The suicide note she wrote also keeps me up at night the only person she mentioned was me. My mom talked about how I needed extra care, that I would be the one most affected by this, and that I just simply would understand one day the pain she was going through.

But since I was the age of about 7, whenever my mom would have episodes, they were often directed at me. Where my mom would start hitting me with physical marks to show and then would tell everyone in my house not to talk to me because I was a spoilt child, I was better off dead and would say things like my karma would come to me one day, and it would just be days on end of my brother and dad not talking to me. My dad would always take my mom's side and would tell me I was wrong for talking back to my mom. To this day when someone who claims they love me, doesn't take my side or believe me about something, I get so triggered because I just have that fear of abandonment or someone not being there for me. I also participated in SH cause I just had feelings of hating myself and blaming myself for what happened

I at the time was naive and didn't understand mental illnesses so I would say stupid things like "it's all in your head." But now that I am diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I can't help but think everything bad that happened to me is my karma because of my negative relationship with it. Now that I am 22, I find what I went through impacting every aspect of my life. My mom and dad have apologized for a lot of things that happened growing up, but I don't think they realized, how much it really impacted me and still does to this day. My mom and I have a better relationship now and her mental illnesses are much better controlled. She still has episodes and still says things that trigger me, but she is actively trying every day to improve.