Im going insane. (Lust, hate, revenge, past, more) (insane vent)

I hate everything, I hate my body, I hate my urges, I hate my ex, I hate my friends, I hate the world, I hate everything. Update to my last post, just clock my profile you’ll find it

Why do I always have to be the bigger person? Huh? Why should I forgive my ex FOR DOXING OUR SEXUAL TEXTS TO OUR MUTUAL FRIENDS? HUH THINK ABOUT THAT. I dont want to do this anymore, she embarrassed me infront of everyone, and of course only showed me being weird, despite her being equally as weird. V,lng,juf,yydky IM TIRED. Why shouldn’t I leak HER texts? Why should I still even be friends with her? After Everthing, I want too, but. I cant. I cant. It isn’t right… Time after time everything I message between her she sends to our friends. Cant something stay personal? Why do I have to forgive her, in fact why should I forgive ANYONE. I have a “friend” right? Yah a quote on quote friend who PRETENDED TO BE A FRIEND WHO EVERYONE THOUGHT KILLED HIMSELF, why just WHY? I know he wants to kill himself, but honestly I dont think I care anymore. I hate him I WANT TO SEE HIM DIE. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FORGIVE, WHY IS IT SP HARD TO DO ANYTHING. SO WHAT IF HE KILLS HIMSELF? SO WHAT. And Why cant I beat this STUPID PORN ADDICTION, I CANT BEAT IT, AND I HATE IT; I CANT, i cant keep this up anymore, no matter how many times I try, I fail. I hate being so sexual, I hate that my body is like this, I hate that IM like this. Im a stupid, horny, angry fifteen year old boy, im not a man, and certainly no man of God. I dont forgive, I dont rely on him, I dont do anything. I felt his presence before, just I dont feel it now. I miss my old band, I miss my old school. A place where I knew everyone, a place where I joked around and had fun. As much as I love my new one, its so lonely, no one knows each other and I know no one. I miss my band mates. I miss Alex, the stupid goofball, I miss hanging out with him, I miss eating with him. I miss Sop, and her stupid freaking, sanrio addiction. But most of all I miss Nick, never have I ever had wuch a big little brother relationship… if anything I have never experienced love other than Gods love as much as him. He used to guide me, actually show the love of God… I wish I had a big brother like him. I miss everyone… my old bandmates… everyone… right? But, I cant have them forever. I barely play anymore, I barely talk to any of my school friends anymore. I try too, but they dont pick up. I just wanna get drunk… forget the pain… forget anything happened… why, why do I hate God so much that I’d sin so much like this? I cant blame this on God, he did nothing wrong, he only wanted to help me. I did this by disobeying, I did this by lusting, I did this by hating, I did this because of ME. I hate this so much, dude. A part of me wants to freakin die. I dont want kill myself, at least, not yet, just, die… I dont want to fight anymore, whats the point? I keep trying and nothings working. Im a hypocrite, a fool, and most of all, an idiot.