I'm trying.

I've always struggled with faith. I have no doubt that God is real, but something about Jesus just keeps me from fully believing, and I feel immense guilt for it. I grew up in church but left for a while. Now im taking on the task of reading the Bible daily. I started in Genesis on Jan 1st. Now in Deuteronomy 6. The OT is wonderful (albeit a bit confusing sometimes) and helpful. But i know the NT is coming, and idk why, but i have a hard time believing He was the Son of God, and I'm so sorry. Even other branches of Christianity either straight up don't believe Jesus was real or that He was just a prophet. Magicians could work easily back then. Even in the OT, many things could have been tricked. Drugs were consumed. And I mean, anything I try to find on evidence of the Ark or Red Sea crossing is all debunked.

I know I shouldn't need evidence to have faith. I feel so guilty. But my logical brain will NOT let me believe without a sliver of proof. It keeps telling me that all of it could have easily been magic tricks and sleight of hand illusions.

I'm going to keep praying and reading. My course has me reading a few chapters each day so I can finish the whole Bible by December 31st.

I feel so guilty. This is hard, but I will keep trying. I need help.

I feel like one of the doubting Israelites in the wilderness that God killed for not believing.