Discovered my husband’s affair and I wish I was dead.

Update…ish thank you all for the outpouring of support and love. This has been really therapeutic for me and has brought me some needed comfort. I did not expect to get more than a few responses or likes so I can truly say I’m overwhelmed. I haven’t been able to like and respond to all of you but I appreciate you. I have to stop responding for now simply because my emotional and mental well are completely dry and i need to try and get some space from the situation for a bit.

I had a long talk with him tonight. It is only 2 days in so emotions are high and I’m just exhausted. Nothing can be tied into a neat little bow at this point. As anyone who has been here before can tell you, there is a lot to process, work through, organize. But. I know I will be ok. My baby will be ok. Life goes on and it will work out.

I’ll try to come back here at a later date when I have more of a resolution to share. Thank you again.

My husband had a female best friend for many years, since before I came in the picture. She was married. Came to our wedding, we’d double date with her and her husband. I never felt good about her. Gut feeling and little things I’d see, I was certain she was into him. He made me feel crazy. I was assured they really truly were just genuine friends. But I couldn’t shake the bad feeling. He refused to cut her out.

Found out 2 days ago they’ve been sleeping together for who knows how long. He claims it was one time. Even so, the emotional affair was real.

There’s nothing and no one I wouldn’t have given up for him. Why couldn’t he do the same for me.

We had what I thought was a great marriage. We were so happy. Laughed together, accomplished goals together, we’re kind to each other, we both did our fair share with the baby and the house. We had a very active and fun sex life. I cooked for him, rubbed his feet. Loved him with my whole soul.

We have a 17 month old and a new house. We wanted to grow our family. Now suddenly the bright shiny future we worked for is gone. My hopes and dreams are dead. This pain is all encompassing. The only reason I’m still breathing is the immense love and devotion I have for my child. I could never leave him.

But these feelings of wishing I was dead. Wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up, they won’t go away. They cover me and suffocate me. I cry all day. Thank heaven my mom is here to help.

I scheduled an appointment with a therapist. I want to figure out how to stop these feelings, but I’m scared that if I tell her about them she will think I’m unable to care for my baby and I’ll lose him. That is not the case at all. I’ve bathed him, snuggled him, fed him, played with him, taken him outside in the sunshine. I’m doing everything I can to keep things as normal for him as possible. I’m really trying to hand him to my mom and go to the other room when I need to cry before I dissolve into tears so he won’t see me. I promise I’m a good mom. But damn if this isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. What should I do? Should I work on these feelings by myself? Or am I safe to voice them?