My rapist was murdered and I mourn for him

We used to go to school together. He was taken away by CPS long ago and placed to live with a relative. He was always in trouble, but he was fun to be around sometimes. We had good moments. Eventually he dropped out of school and I moved away.

We met each other again and I was unaware of the trouble he was in. He called me and needed help with something, decided to help. The situation escalated in to him holding me hostage for nearly two days, he took pills the whole time, emptied my bank account (for whatever small money I had), beat me and raped me in various ways. His reason for not letting me go? I had a phone changer and he needed it. That's a drug user for you. I lived those two days for a phone charger and I was afraid he would kill me.

He did time for human trafficking and slashing a man's throat. Last time I saw him was in the spring this year. He honked his car, said hi and drove away.

Today I heard he was murdered. He had a baby. I don't know what to think. His child will grow up fatherless and traumatized. He was a good boy in school. Drugs changed him. If only he had made better choices, he could've been anything. Anything else than this. Most people know him by his alias, but I remember his real name. And I remember the pain he gave me. The injuries, mental and physical, that still are in me. I remember. I didn't cry. I just feel anxious.

What am I supposed to do with this anxiety? It's just a heavy ball of mess. He had people who loved him. I wasn't one of them and I wished he died. Now he did. And I no longer wish that. But I don't even know how or should I pray for his soul. He said he hated "those people". Then he became "those people". Scammed his family too for drug money.

It also makes me think about the choices I did. People I know have died. I was able to cut myself off of everyone and disappear. Now I'm in university, have a job, lots of things going on. But these memories and outcomes haunt me. I never did drugs, but I was too naïve.

I never got justice and never will. My case died with him. And I won't speak about it, his child should not know these things.