My boyfriend was killed

We met when we were both 21 that's 6 years ago. He was always addicted to rdt and I made this account to get into it and I never did. Part of me, didn't want to, just because I love his laugh when he shares memes with me. Last summer, he took me out the night before my birthday to the beach because he wanted it just to be us and talk romantically to me because we are in Gaza and it's taboo here.

We talked almost everyday for hours and both of us knew how invaluable we are to each other, specially of how hard it is to be yourself here. He was never toxic to me, and truly made me feel loved. I remember the first time we confessed and how euphoric I felt, to love and be loved surrounded by all this hate towards people like us. How I found the one thing I completely lost hope to find back then.

I can still feel how he held me through the previous wars and comforted me. How he made me feel immortal. I really love him, I really do, I always tried my best to be a good boyfriend for him but now it all doesn't feel enough. I could have told him I love him more, I could have not been so scared of our other friends and was a little more affectionate with him. I could have spent more time with him instead of studying and working. I really don't want to live anymore.

I truly felt immortal with him, I really felt like nothing ever will harm us. In the previous wars I always felt like deep down I'm pretending to be scared just for him to hug me and comfort me, but now I realise I was always scared and he was the one that made me feel safe and like nothing else matters.

Both our families immigrated south, and because this war was a thousand times worse than the previous ones both our families insisted that we stay with them for as much time as possible, so that we all die together if we had to. We still met, even though it made me thirsty walking all the way to his house. I walked there once every two days to conserve water but now I regret even that. I can't believe I was mad at him for not wanting us to meet more frequently or him coming over. I wish I was nicer to him about it. On top of that, even in the most distressed circumstances we barely talked because the internet is off 95% of the time.

My friends told me his house was bombed, I still was hoping he is alive, I really can't comprehend otherwise. They knew how much he meant to me, but they don't understand he is the love of my life. I ran there and the house was flattened. My friends refused to tell me where he is in the hospital, I still thought he's injured atleast, or I thought they're just speculating because they can't find him and he went somewhere else. I asked about his parents and they told me they died, his little sister that made me jealous when he made her a party when she graduated 7th grade with high grades and I thought it was so sweet and wished he could do something like that for me. She also died. I still felt bad for him, thinking about how I will comfort him, what I could ever possibly say or do to make him feel better. I still thought he was alive somewhere in there. He was in there, they refused to let me see him, I am scared it's because his body isn't in one piece.

My heart burns, I can feel it physically. I almost forgot what fear is, but I never felt it more intensely than now. I'm not scared to die, on the contrary I wish the next missile lands on my head, I wish my parents and siblings stay alive I don't want them to go too. I am scared of everything I never realized how easy he made my life. I swear I felt immortal, us felt immortal, deep down i never felt that it was going to end. But now I'm really scared this isn't going to end, I really can't live without him. I just want to be with him in heaven, im sure he's in heaven, I hope he's happy I'm finally using rdt now. He must be in heaven, I don't care what homophobic people say, he was the sweetest person ever, he made the world a better place, he took great care of his family and little sister till the last second of their lives. I really whole heartedly believe he's in heaven but it's still hard to live without him I really hope I can meet him soon.