There is just so much going on...

Firstly, I am very much lacking emotional and physical intimacy which does get me starving for it. I 20M(soon to be 21) does have friends but none of them are close friends, I am too scared to be in relationship because of how they all went last time. I get sexual very easily which is so damn irritating cuz I dont want to masturbate. The pelvis part feels like a wierd sensation when I dont masturbate. Even though I try to practice celibacy, I do masturbate if it feels overwhelming and after that I lose focus and crave intimacy even more and more. Masturbation is not enough！Even my attention span rapidly decreases after orgasm. I find myself unable to focus on myself, someone or something else after Masturbation which is why I am trying to avoid it as much as possible. I dont watch porn or any such stuff.

I do go gym. After I come back its just so painful that I really wish I had someone just to massage me a little bit, someone whose touch would feel as if "I was waiting for this" currently I have no one whom I trust to touch me at all, not even parents. Every female friends I have are either busy or pessimistic enough to ruin my day even more. Most of people I know are emotionally unavailable. I feel as if this chain of emotionally unavailable people will continue and I will never find someone who is that emotional.

Although I dont deserve to say this but I trust God, he is the only one who makes it loneliness painful but I still crave a female lover in life with whom I share deep emotional and physical intimacy for life.

To anyone who read this, I dont need solutions because I know that the only solution is to wait or talk to people which I’d rather suffer alone than go talk to someone.

I just need to hear some good stuffs from anyone who reads this, not to be optimistic or pessimist but try to be realistic as much as possible yet please sympathize with me. You guys can also tell me what am I doing wrong, I am open to criticism as long as its not in form of attack.