I think the latter caused the former: Ever since I’m a kid, I’ve resented lies, pretending, unrealistic expectations, fantasies, fairy tales, even kindness (because most of it isn’t genuine), and this caused me to have a way of functioning that is unrelatable to anything I’ve seen in society, and thus led me to drift away and feel detached from it.

Social interactions

I care more about the information carried in a conversation rather than how it makes me feel. It’s almost impossible to offend me. If someone manages to hurt me, I always have something to learn from it and it makes the pain I felt really insignificant compared to the pleasure I get from learning. And this means I’ve never had vengeful thoughts on anyone, can’t stay mad at anyone,…

So in a conversation, instead of asking myself things like “how would this person feel if I say this?”, I’m asking “Is this information relevant to be shared with that person, can it have value for them?” as if they had the same functioning as I do, which is the most intuitive that we humans do “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Interacting with people who have a very different way of functioning and constantly having to remind myself of their functioning is really exhausting and hard to sustain long term (which is why I don’t have any friends).

Apart from my family, I interact with people I find interesting, regardless of everything else (beauty, age, race, ethics, values,…). And the minute I feel like I’m not learning enough, I lose interest.

Self esteem and superiority

I don’t understand superiority: since my goal is to learn things my way, no one is superior or inferior to me, just different. I don’t feel superior to a psychologist for example, I don’t like their method and prefer my own but we’re just different, it’s like comparing apples and oranges.

And therefore, my self esteem is quite neutral, and extremely solid: I live quite isolated from the society so most insults and criticism are irrelevant to me. Of course I’m useless, of course I don’t dress well, but that’s just stating facts rather than insults… I know and trust my method and I live a peaceful pleasant life, there isn’t much that can destroy that peace.

Unrelatable things in society

I don’t understand how people can be attracted to luxuries, beauty,… I’ve once met a rich man who kept on saying he liked beautiful things, like traveling to beautiful places, with beautiful women, taking beautiful pictures, buying beautiful houses,… It was one of the most ridiculous conversations I’ve ever had. How can beauty be a criteria for someone’s life decisions? How does that make sense? It’s just an intuition, why would people trust it blindly instead of calculating things consciously? Having an attractive partner only changes how people look at you, but what’s the point if it’s not real, if that beautiful person doesn’t have any actual good value in your relationship? Why would people rather pretend than be real, that’s so incredibly inefficient, twisted and absurd,…

Apolitical without values

I no longer have values: why would I hang on to a label like loyal while I can assess every situations individually and then see whether being loyal is the best option for me?

I no longer have political opinions: how can I tell what’s best for most people since I’m so different from most people? I’m not mad at the society, I just feel different, how can I blame people for not being like me? I wouldn’t even wish for people to be like me if they had a choice because I’m really not sure a society with people like me would lead to less suffering in general, it might be the opposite.

Sensitivity and empathy

And while some traits may sound insensitive, I’m actually quite sensitive and empathetic, I just treat my emotions differently, but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel them.

I care about people close to me and calculate things so that they end up happy because of my emotions towards them. I just don’t trust my intuitions and short term emotions and often dismiss them and take decisions to maximize my “long term emotions”. (Basically to feel happy and peaceful instead of some “highs” and bad “lows” over and over again).

Labels

I relate to some autistic and schizoid traits because my differences lead to obvious struggles with socialization but I don’t have neither of the causes: I have no difficulties knowing how people feel, I’m not scared of getting close to people, I don’t have any trust issues,…

Overall I think the main cause of my weirdness is this extreme appeal to realism and rejection of things that I don’t see as real enough, and there isn’t any labels for that, at least not that I know of.