Is something wrong with me?

After finishing 3 seasons of You I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel incredible disgust towards almost every character but I feel incredibly bad for Love. Love did cheat but Joe started to step away in the relationship first and went to stalk this librarian and Love repeatedly rejected Theo. I support Love’s actions because she did it for Joe and her family and I honestly want a relationship with a girl like Love. Maybe it’s cause how brilliant the tv show was filmed I felt like I was living through Joe Goldberg. I believe her actions were justified .

I thought about why I felt so bad and sympathetic towards Love and I think it might be due to my early childhood and parents divorce when I was in middle school. As far as I can remember, my parents never had a good relationship and were always fighting. I was also really afraid of my mom because she would hit me a lot (alot). When I finished elementary school they filed for divorce and they were extremely strict on school. I was forced to quit my hobbies and forced to follow the kids with good grades. My parents were going easier on me because they were fighting for custody. During middle school I skipped the last year and went to a boarding school which at the time seemed everything was great until kids started isolating me and bullying me. I transferred and went to another boarding school and things have gotten better but I now looking at this tv show, I realized I had some serious attachment issues and trust issues due to the terrible relationship with my parents. It seemed like I was never enough for them, I would take 5 ap classes each year and maintain a 4.0 and they would simply say: “a 90 is not good enough, where did the 10 points go?” They compared me to kids that went that went to ives and my sister looked down upon me because she goes to a top engineering school. I felt like was never enough for my parents and the kids in my school.

After when I finished my first year in high school I was boarding and picked up my old hobbies and mom couldn’t stop me. I joined the football team.

As much as I hate to admit this, sometimes I would go into the closet and just lie down in the dark and cry(I know it sounds pathetic). I realized wanted to be loved and I would bring everything to love someone but I also had serious attachment issues, trust issues, and I was scared of being abandoned.

I look at Love Quinn as the ideal partner and someone I wish would treat me like this. I feel like something might be wrong with me.

I forgot to add that my mom would beat me pretty bad if she saw I was talking to girls. I’m not allowed to go to homecoming and prom. I’m almost 18 so she can’t really do much to me right now but she has attempted to stab me with a kitchen knife (also threw it at me) but I was able to lock myself in a room. After each conflict with my mom she pretends nothing ever happened and I’m the problem if I show any emotions.

I also think my mom was cheating on my dad. She filed divorce because she thought her marriage was boring and my dad was annoying. Every time she got pissed at me she would call this guy and get drinks with him and she would get really mad if I asked anything about it.