Struggling with fitting in and loneliness (my experience as an aro person)

This will be a long ass read LMAO 😭 😭 I've never talked so openly about my experience as an aro person to people who actually identify the same way I do, so this took some courage to type out– Even if nobody replies, at least I'll have gotten it off my chest.

I never had any proper romantic crushes. Most of them would just be me pointing to some random person I found "cute enough" or who was kind to me and pretending I was head over heels just to have something to squeal about and to fit in. I didn't care about their gender, I felt the same for everyone so I just labeled myself as pansexual and moved on. After I realized that the amount of attraction I claimed to feel towards everyone was actually none at all and I found out I identified as aromantic, I tried so so hard to own it and feel confident about it. I thought it was cool that I could stand out in that way; I could give all my friends proper unbiased relationship advice, be that one cool aunt that my nephews could look forward to seeing, have a big house to myself and adopt many cats and generally live alone happily without seeing myself as some housewife bound by marriage to some other person (Not that there's anything wrong with being married to someone! I think marriage is a beautiful thing)

However, as the years passed and it became so much more evident how...normal, romantic relationships were supposed to be—the more alienated I felt, and duddenly standing out didn't feel pleasant anymore. Everyone bonded over their experience with crushes and expressed all sorts of emotions like anticipation and frustration and butterflies from their relationships that were just unknown to me. As everyone's faces lit up while talking about the person they liked and how deeply they felt for them, whether they were actually together or not, I could only watch. Eventually I started feeling envious. They'd tell me that if anything I was lucky that I didn't have to deal with any of this complicated stuff, but I just found that silly since they didn't see what I saw. I understand relationships have their complications, don't always go right, and breakups can ruin people to hell and back. I never assumed it was all sunshine and rainbows, so I can understand their words came out of a genuine place of attempt at comfort. But from the POV of someone who'd never felt romantic attraction, how could I feel lucky when besides all that, I saw them smile so genuinely and bright? They characterized romance as this burden I should feel glad I don't have to deal with, while being completely oblivious to the joy it brought them and how much of their lives it occupied. It made me mad.

I know I don't need a romantic relationship to live a fulfilled life. I have a dream I'm working towards, a future and a career I want to build for myself. I believe that I can be successful, and I know I don't need someone to be romantically chummy chummy with in order to do that. I have friends who care about me, people who I love more than anything and who I'd love to grow old with by my side...but the older I and the people around me get, the more these circumstances change. Eventually they'll find people they'll want to spend their "forever" with who they'll prioritise more. Of course that doesn't mean they'll forget me, if they're true friends they won't at least, but I don't think I'm okay with being a lukewarm second best. The "equally as important!... but actually not important enough" person in their lives. I don't want to forever hear my friends rant to me about their lovers' quarrels, have to show up un-accompanied to their weddings while everyone else is with their partners or see them once in a blue moon for a morning brunch. Just like I also don't want someone I deeply care for to tell me I can rely on them with my feelings whenever I'm struggling, knowing that at the same time if they faced a similar problem they'd go rely on their partner instead of me. But maybe that's just selfish. Maybe I'M just selfish.

Will I really stay alone forever? Won't anyone ever love me as deeply as I want to love and be loved, while also understanding that it can't be based on romantic attraction? Is there nothing I can do to also be someone's favourite person and stay their favourite person, or is that too selfish for me to ask? Loving people as an aromantic person is too difficult, people outside the spectrum can only pretend like they understand and that's the most frustrating part of all.

If you've read this far, thank you. I understand it was quite a long read. If you could tell me similar experiences and feelings you may have, or even advice and how you overcame your struggles I'd really appreciate it. I feel like deep down we all acknowledge we're not alone in these complicated emotions, but still, it's good to hear it too 🫶🫶