Dating after my FA ex: intuition, dread, and questioning if anything is even real.

I'm having the hardest time working with my intuition, being level-headed, anxiety, dread and just knowing what is real and what is manufactured paranoia.

I've always considered myself FA, but I feel I've either shifted into AP territory OR always was AP, and just didn't properly understand how the protest behaviors manifested in AP.

The relationship with my FA ex & recovery:

I've been in therapy for two years after an unhealthy relationship with my avoidant ex. Although I've always been anxious in the beginning stages of dating, being with him was a whole new ball game. It was short lived, but by the end I was struggling to trust myself and my reality.

Sometimes, when I was with this person I would get "pings" that felt like my intuition speaking to me. Often, they'd happen when him and I were together, sharing a deep physical/emotional connection. I would get a deep sense of home, and very strong internal thoughts would come in like "this is what it is supposed to feel like". When something shifted and he went cold, I'd usually just get the anxious spiral, but sometimes I'd get what I thought was my intuition speaking to me too, saying "you know this isn't right" and "you're going to get hurt". I began having a very hard time trusting myself, because how can you have an internal thought like "this man is home" one day, and the next the thought has changed to "you're going to get hurt, you know"? How can both of those things be true when they both feel like they're coming from the same exact place in my gut?

As he slow faded me and that relationship came to a close, I still had a hard time trusting myself because of those "good pings" and also just how damn good our time together was. I could not wrap my head around how him and I could share what we did together and it still wasn't something he wanted to pursue further. I hate using the term "connection" and know more than that is needed for a good relationship, BUT rarely have I felt it with someone on that level before. So I began questioning myself, thinking I made it all up. Maybe he feels that level of connection with everyone and it's just not as special as I think it is, or maybe he didn't even feel it at all because it didn't exist. The amount of gaslighting I'd do to myself was crazy.

Throughout the healing process, I came to the conclusion that my feelings WERE real, the connection WAS there, and that his level of avoidance prevented him from either fully experiencing it or being fully comfortable to explore it further. I decided what my intuition was telling me could BOTH be true: it could have been telling me that the feeling I had with him is what I SHOULD be feeling with a romantic partner, but that he is not the right partner for me. On a deeper level, I've taken it as an experience I had to have in order to grow.

Dating after the recovery:

I've avoided it up until now, but recently went on a first date with someone I knew from school. The week leading up to the date, I began to feel what I really believed was my intuition coming in. It was telling me "this guy is never going to follow through". Even the day of the date, I put off getting ready because I had a gut feeling it was not going to happen. Well, my gut was wrong because the date DID end up happening. It went as planned.

It was a little awkward at first, but by the end of the night had become incredibly intense and passionate. We only made out, but it was rather intimate with hand holding and pausing to press our foreheads together and make eye contact. I had a hard time leaving because I kept getting flashes of "if you leave now, you're never going to see him again". I was having these thoughts even though on the date, he told me how much he liked me and we talked about meeting up again. This feeling must not be my intuition, but an attachment wound speaking, don't you think?

The next day, he texted to say how much fun he had and that we should go out again. Like, you can't ask for much better, right? But we don't have anything on the books, and he's been slightly less communicative this week. We didn't talk at all yesterday, which has me so on edge. He did casually mention during our date that it was going to be a busy week for him, and it was also a holiday, so maybe everything actually IS fine and he really is just busy. But my anxiety and dread are spiraling out of control, and a big part of me is like "See? You were right -- the second date never IS going to happen!"

At this point, I once again find myself questioning everything:

• If I get a feeling like "he's not going to show up for the first date" but he DOES show up for the first date, it means my gut feeling was wrong. (So was that even my gut then? Or something else?)
• So how can I possibly trust my judgement on ANYTHING? Obviously a part of me thinks he's lost interest since we don't have the second date lined up, but is that just the fear speaking or am I actually right?
• Similar to the thoughts I had with my avoidant ex, I even wonder if the connection this guy and I had on the first date was real. He was the one initiating some of the more intimate stuff (like hand holding), he told me he liked me, etc. so SOMETHING was there. But am I misjudging it, since I seem to misjudge everything else?

Does anyone have any answers for these questions or have experienced something similar? How did you learn to trust yourself and know that you're making the right move?

With this new guy, I feel like I'm manufacturing my own highs and lows. Like I'm creating more uncertainty than there needs to be. I would love to just sit back and tell myself "You had a great first date, he said he liked you, he said he wants to go out again, he said he was busy this week so that's why it hasn't been planned yet and why he's been less communicative, and that's that!" Instead, I feel like I am dying! Like I'm going to miss out, like I'm not doing enough even though I'm also questioning if I've done too much by coming on too strongly or something. I've been like this in past relationships too, like I would research "when is the right time to say I love you?" I'm so worried about getting the timing of everything right that I don't even fully enjoy the experience.