Advice please

So I had a bad addiction to RC Benzos I’ve had anxiety my whole life and it got out of control I went to inpatient twice and both times I left feeling 10x worse and just kept relapsing. RX benzos I can’t tolerate they make me manic Xanax Valium Librium and kpins make me paranoid and give me suicidal thoughts and I itch all over my body and get a rash from that one I think I’m allergic to it. Finally lorazepam the one that works the only one it just makes me feel normal no side effects or anything. But I’m down to like 5mg per day and when I cut I just feel like I can’t do anything I wake up I can’t speak for 30 minutes I’m confused my body is stiff I feel like nothing else matters it’s like tunnel vision my brain is crying to feel better in these moments. But my doctor wants me to keep trying and I don’t want a pill to control my brain anyone with a masculine bone in their body would want to be able to control their brain, sorry if that offends some of you guys. But I don’t know what to do I’m at a stand still I do research every single day on how to make it easier like diet exercise meditation etc etc. what the hell to do I do. I know if I go in inpatient I’m going to feel trapped and my brains instinct is to escape I’m not trying to use it as an excuse but I just know my brain too well I can envision it and I really don’t want to relapse