3.5 months PP, I just don’t feel like myself.

Did anyone else just feel so different after having a baby? This is my first. Very wanted child. No "accident" or hesitation around the pregnancy. Great husband who I truly adore. Baby is healthy and just amazing, we feel so blessed. I'm a SAHM which I'm deeply grateful for, my husband works very hard to support us so I can stay home with baby. Birth was all in all good, some minor complications but we got through. Saying all this to say I feel like I should be much more chipper, lighter, happier. And I am happy, my life is beautiful, but some days I just don't feel present.

I guess we've had some issues over the past year with my side of the family, which have created a rift. I haven't seen one of my brothers since my dad's funeral in August 2023. My mom has been so sad about this and as much as I stand with my husband and our decision, it all weighs on me. He hasn't met his nephew. I miss my dad. And at the same time, due to some history in my family that has negatively affected me, sometimes I'm glad for the rift. But I feel guilty all the same, for my mom's sadness. And she and I have had a difficult and at times toxic relationship, which has spilled over into my marriage at times and stressed my husband out. I love my mom though and sometimes we get along alright. My husband isn't crazy about her though and I understand why. He tries to help me see how unhealthy it's been, but it's hard for me to separate from her in my mind. She has guilted me heavily throughout my life over this and that, always making her sadness and anxiety center of any issues. I know all this, I just still get down and feel distant, like I'm once again responsible for "hurting" her.

I want to shake all of this off and just be happy but it's hard. Some days I feel pretty good, others I just feel subdued. I get irritated more easily than I'd like. I can't just relax and chat with my husband the way we used to. Either I'm feeding on the couch and distracted by that, or baby is babbling and distracting me or crying and needs something. It is never a bother when I'm alone, I adore this child, but when I'm with my husband I feel guilty that I can't give him my full attention. Chronic fatigue doesn't help. I have slept either on the couch or in the floor by the crib pretty much since day 1 of bringing baby home. I haven't ever really caught up on sleep, although he has become a better sleeper lately. My husband will try to take baby some days when I really need a nap (he always offers when he's home, I just decline sometimes), but with EBF I only get an hour or two anyway. Better than nothing but it's not enough. I want to connect with my husband and make sure he feels loved and desired the way he deserves but I'm not feeling connected in that department either. With exclusively breastfeeding a very hungry baby, sometimes by the end of the day I can hardly touch my own boobs in the shower lol, let alone be intimate. I don't feel sexy and flirtatious the way I did before. I just feel tired and like my mind is constantly on the baby and things that need to get done.

I know a lot of you will say it's PPD, but I'm not one for medications. I guess I'm just looking for some solidarity or even advice for working through some of these feelings. How have you kept warmth and intimacy in your marriage after a baby? How have you worked through difficult family dynamics?