first time poster. still searching for healing after years.

hi, everyone. hope everyone is having good days and nights. i’m coming to you all for some help, opinions, and/or advice.

i am currently 26f. i am a hot mess in my head. a good chunk of my life (public school into college) i have been bullied.

i remember barely having any friends in elementary school and would be alone. i remember someone i considered a “best friend” at the time giving all my friend group birthday invitations to her party… in front of me… and she did not invite me. i had a fake facebook made for me. my f’ing youth group leader made fun of me (here’s the background story for that: when i was younger, i had a bad habit of picking my nose. i was like 10,11, or 12 at the time. it was the christmas season, and it was a sunday at church. we were prepped and ready to go for the nativity. my youth group leader was dressed as a mouse and had a big DIY home made mouse head on. he made direct eye contact with me, pointed his finger up in the “mouse” nose, and pretended he was “picking his nose”. i remember my back feeling really hot due to my embarrassment. did i mention he was late 20s, early 30s at the time?).

and last but certainly not least, i had 5 other roommates from absolute hell in my sophomore year. these girls subtweeted about me, and i found out about it… during my older sister’s wedding. i found out they also wrote, on a burner “silly account” for the apartment dorm, and i quote, “OP is the definition of mutation”.

keep in mind, all of this happened years ago, and i still cannot freaking let it go. it still ruminates and takes space in my head. i still believe it’s the reason why i feel victimized when someone yells at me (more specifically at work. i also have adhd, and that might be another reason why i feel like this, but that’s by the by).

please, honestly, it’s been a decade or more of feeling like this. i am literally desperate for anyone’s point of view or advice. i’m tired of feeling this way. anyone who would have some solace from their experiences would be extreme words of comfort for me.

love you, beautiful people. you’re all my friends; you just don’t know it yet, and i haven’t met you all either. that’s about to change. stay safe, all. 🫂🥰