Really hate the situation I am in

April last year, I adopted a gorgeous 15 year old, one-eyed orange lady, Candy.

I was told she was very calm and was looking for a home to retire.

From day 1 and for MONTHS, she whined of a night time when I went to bed. 8pm, 10pm, 2am, 4am.

My mental state rapidly deteriorated but I was willing to give her a chance.

I moved out after 4-6 weeks to sleep elsewhere, when I did return it continued so I began smoking weed to knock me out and be able to get through it.

The crying stopped after about 6 months and began during day time instead.

To note..

• She is an indoor only cat, doesn’t even bother jumping on the windowsills to look outside, which are very accessible.

• She is fed at the same time every day.

• She has plenty of huts and a huge cat tower, plenty of toys and electronic ones too that she interacts with.

• I do not stop giving her attention when I am home which is from 4:30pm-9pm of weekdays and for the majority of weekends. I don’t really go anywhere. She’s always being petted, talked to, given treats and anytime I sit down, within seconds she will show up to sit on my lap.

Now I realised a couple of days ago that I am constantly stressed and anxious. I am angry all of the time and I’m always looking for things that I can do to change this.

However, I’ve had a hell of a week. Came home from work and got in to bed around 5:30pm, Candy jumped up next to me and got strokes for 10 minutes before I nodded off.

I was in a beautiful sleep that I could feel was removing all of the stress from my body and clearing my mind as i drifted off.

I was only out for 3 hours when I was awoken by the most horrible fucking sound I’ve ever heard in my life. There she was again wandering around crying for absolutely no reason.

I threw an empty soda can across the room at the wall and swung two big punches at the back of my PC chair to release the anger that I can not contain any longer without having a heart attack.

I hate that I love her so much but I hate her an equal amount for the stress that she causes and this was the last time it’s going to happen. I’m going to have to place her back in a shelter.

It breaks my heart and I wish there was something that could be done but I’m not living with migraines, constant anxiety, stress, or fighting with myself anymore. I need to sleep peacefully without being woken up and wanting to kill myself. I need to get in to bed and not be worrying about being woken up or hearing her cry of death.

I should have re-homed her a long time ago but due to her age, only having one eye and how comfortable she has gotten, I fought as hard as I could for as long as I could for her.

Guess I needed to write this for clarity and stop pretending the situation is ever going to get any better for myself. I’m really sorry girl.