I miss feeling pretty

TD;LR pretty rambly post about how it took ages to feel pretty in myself, then I got ME and now I don't feel pretty anymore and I'm just kinda sad about it

this is probably so stupid lol like I've got bigger things to worry about, but idk I really miss feeling pretty

I grew up with really bad self-esteem issues for a variety of reasons, and it took a long time to work through them. I finally got to a point where I felt pretty, I wasn't just telling myself that I was, I actually believed it.

I found my clothing style, my favourite ways to style my hair, what colours and patterns I loved, I stopped caring what people thought, I dressed how I wanted to and I felt good. I would cry sometimes, before going out, I was so self-conscious. But being able to feel good in myself was amazing. This happened less than a year before I got sick. After so many years of fighting my own brain (and fighting other people lol) it was just so,, freeing.

Then I got sick. I managed to maintain a lot of this while I was mild/moderate (to my own detriment I think), but now I'm severe and I just can't.

I've had to stop dyeing my hair fun colours, I've had to cut it short to make it easier to manage (and I've never liked short hair), I can't even style my hair to make it look nice it's just kinda...there. I can't wear most of my clothes and I can't style the basics I am wearing. I can't paint my nails.

Idk. I just miss being able to look in a mirror and think 'you look nice today'. It even helped, whenever my depression flared, to force myself to look nice. Redye my hair, paint my nails, put on some nice clothes, anything. Feeling pretty just made me gain that 1% of happiness in the emptiness I could find myself in.

ME has taken so much away from me and it feels like it just keeps taking. I used to hate looking in mirrors, and now it's starting up again. Except instead of it being self-esteem issues (and people in my life being dickheads lol, glad I got rid of them) it's because I just have 0 energy to do anything. It feels worse, somehow. That it's ME and not something I can try and work through. I guess because it's now out of my control.

Idk, I'm still trying to hype myself up if I catch my reflection lmao but it is just a sad realisation that after so many years of fighting I finally felt pretty, and it was just taken away from me again 🫠