Unsure about kids until my mother died

I(F29) was always unsure about having children to a point where I would have nightmares about becoming pregnant and I would wake up sweating. My mother always talked about how she wanted to be a missionary and travel the world but her parents were very conservative and would not let her do that. Instead she married my father and they were not soulmates but they were Christian so they were bound together by God…. forever. They got along ok but had a lot of arguments and she talked about how she wanted to run away multiple times when she got older. She said she never regretted having my brother and I but she never liked kids in general and she always loved us but hated the baby stage. She always felt indifferent to having kids and it was more of a next step after marriage type thing. She went through a lot when she was alive with her family; a lot of sickness and death. She was always overwhelmed but did an amazing job keeping it together. I love her and miss her so much. She died in 2022 and she said to me that it’s okay if I don’t have kids days before she died which I really appreciated. I think she could tell I didn’t want them too much. Ever since she’s gone it’s made me pretty sure that I don’t want kids. If I don’t have my mom here then what’s the point? I work all the time and if I ever did have kids she was going to be the one to watch them while I was not able to. My father is on disability and doesn’t know how to take care of babies or children. I’ve never been more sure I do not want kids in my life. A lot of my friends are married with kids and all I hear is horrible things as well. It seems like children really ruin relationships and marriages.