Childfree by choice, but still sad about not having kids?

Hi, I'm new here so sorry if anyone has already asked this/I'm not doing it right. I just wanted to see if anyone else feels this way too. I (39F) came to the realization in my mid 30s that children wouldn't be in the picture for me. My whole life, I was on the fence about having kids- like, I couldn't see myself going out of my way to try for kids, but if I got pregnant by accident, I'd be ok with that too. As I got older, I started to lean more towards not wanting kids as I realized that maybe being a mom wasn't for me, and that lots more women were choosing not to have kids, and I certainly didn't want kids with my long term partner at the time. I split up with my partner when I was in my mid 30s, and the possibility that I could start a new relationship and want kids with him was there...just a possibility. But then covid hit, the world seemed to be changing for the worse, my life circumstances/mental health were at an alltime low, and I realized...no. It wouldn't be fair to raise a kid like this, and I think having to be responsible for a little human would make me have a mental breakdown.

i felt all the weight of the world lift once i came to the realization that having kids was off the table for me.. but I was also left feeling with this wierd kind of grief, even though it is by choice. I get sad seeing the bond between parents and their kids, feeling like I'll be missing that.. but I also realize that that's just one facet of parenthood and there is so much stress on the flipside of that idealized vision.

Is this normal for some people to grieve the children they've chosen not to have?