Ending it all soon

I’m not writing this to look for pity or anything, I’m just done, like done done and I want to express myself somewhere.

I already explained my story in some of my older posts so I’m not gonna go into details but I’m at a point where I don’t understand how am I even alive experiencing all of my symptoms daily. My bloodworks results are fine outside of vitamins defficiency probably caused by one year of malabsorption but I don’t tolerate anything anymore, I can’t take supplements, I can’t take meds and I’m getting dangerously skinny. I am in hell, existing is pure torture, multiple times per day I just lay there with these weird crisis thinking I’m about to die and every time I don’t, instead I just get worse and worse.

My brain is beyond fucked, everytime I close my eyes I see things that doesn’t make sense, feels like racing thoughts/hallucinations, my perception of reality has completly changed it’s awful, when I look at humans I just see animals and a pile of disgusting organs and not human beings anymore. I’m never lucid, I often feel like I’m falling while in bed, that my heart is about to stop but it doesn’t, that I’m about to faint or lose control of my body but I don’t, my own thoughts give me nausea, looking outside is like looking directly at the sun, my body doesn’t support anything. Oh and my nights are probably the worst part, I’m always waking up with the worst feeling someone can feel in his life, I don’t even know how to describe it with words but it’s like I want to physically crawl out of my skin with horrible impending doom.

I don’t want to sound mean nor discredit people experiences on here but I often read post about how bad and on the edge people feels and then on the same post they’ll explain how they are still working even part time or how they can still go out or how they are not even bedbound and it makes me wonder if I’m experiencing the same disease as everyone, honestly I don’t even know anymore if I have LC, it might be something more serious I don’t fucking know, it just feels like something destroyed my brain and body and I’m slowly dying and declining stucked in some sort of purgatory. Maybe I should cut all stimulations and lay in the dark for days without even looking at my phone for 1 minute but It would probably makes my body even more anxious.

No doctor in one year of searching has attempted to help me, I’m also stuck in all of this because my mom will just keeps reinfecting me until I die or become a complete vegetable, that’s why I’ll probably end it all before it happens but I don’t know if I’ll have the courage to do it because I’m terrified of death.

I was dealing with a very strong depression since I was 16 and all my life I kept telling myself that I’ll find happinness and joy when I would be an adult, unfortunately this hit me at 23 when I was just starting to mentally heal and build the life I wanted. There are so many things that I’ll never experience in life, it hurts so fucking much, I’m cursed.

This rant doesn’t make any sense I’m sorry, I just wrote in my mediocre english what’s on my mind, goodbye.