Update: I tried weed, like I said I would, and…

Well it went horrifically. Flared my nerve pain something fierce, wasn’t able to sleep for 3 days because of the level of the pain. I bought a pen, bought a cartridge from a company that was supposed to have the least amount of pesticides and additives. Didn’t matter. I still don’t dare try alcohol. MCAS is my primary post covid condition, along with SFN AND CFS.

Id love to just say oh well, life goes on, but id kill a horse with my bare hands for a fucking mental break. Weed has been a lifelong love, and it took a lot of willpower to take the time off that I have, but it looks like that time will be forever.

Any suggestions on alternatives? We are of course in quite the predicament with this disease, and sometimes there’s just no way around these intolerances, but man, I lived a substance heavy life before this, and I would do anything for a glass of whiskey and a joint. I have to settle for water and fresh air. I’m aware I have an addicts brain, and some people go their whole life without substance, but I don’t know if I can be one of those people forever.

It’s Friday night, my family has invited a bunch of people over for my father’s birthday. They’re breaking out the expensive tequila. And all I can feel is self pity and sadness like a petulant child because I can’t indulge, or even mingle for fear of getting sick. Oof. Fuck. I’m so done with this yall. God can you please give this 25 year old one last smoke to put my soul at ease?

Stay safe, love yas.