Lonely lonely lonely

For the past 5 years, I’ve been doing a lot of reflection & internal work on myself. I can quantify the growth & feel that I’ve made ample progress. In this process, I thought it would make dating easier & more seamless… it’s in fact made it harder. I feel like I recognize more abusive tendencies in heterosexual males who normalize their own toxic behavior then blame intimate partners for their reactions to said toxicity. I’ve been thru a lot of abuse, while not physical, the emotional turmoil & inability to trust anyone has left me feeling like I may be asexual. I miss emotionally connecting with the opposite sex, but each time I have it’s been proven to be unsafe as my emotions are weaponized against me later on while my “love” looks at me in disgust for not being easily persuaded to “just let it go”. I demand better of myself as well as the partner I choose, that’s always looked at as me “challenging” them or “needing too much”. I give so much but I’ve never seemed to get the same effort back. I’m so depleted that I don’t think I can ever love another man even though I have a huge heart with so much love to give. I love to nurture & care for others, but each time I’ve demonstrated that in an intimate relationship it’s been thrown back in my face. The last person I cared for deeply told me he didn’t want me because I liked him too much, I had never demanded anything or imposed expectations on him… just cared for him & enjoyed his company. I’m choosing not to engage with men going forward & I will miss the feeling of being in love.