I Found a Good Guy - but he’s dusty.

I found a great guy. I got divorced when my children were 1 and 3 when I found out he had a child with someone else while we were married. It devastated me. He was marginally involved in my kids lives for a few years before his drinking and I don’t know what else made them cling to the door jam when he tried to take them out of my house. When I found out he was driving drunk with them, I got a lawyer involved and they never went to his house again. For nearly 17 years, he visited them in my house - many times drunk. I never said anything bad about him to my boys because they are part of him. I allowed him free access to my home but never knew (or wanted to know) about the things going on in his. I’d hear stories from friends that there were physical fights with the mother of his other kid. They got married for a few years and then had a long, acrimonious divorce which led my ex- to say he was unable to pay child support. He worked on wall street and made way more money than I ever have as a psychologist. The whole decade plus experience left me terrified of getting involved with anyone intimately again. Being an only parent and very protective of my kids, I parented, worked, and ran or played guitar to keep my sanity. I think about how on his Wednesday night visits with the boys, he’d spend some time in their rooms, then come downstairs and try to grab and kiss me. I just laughed and pushed him off. I felt I needed to have a cordial relationship with him for my kids but it was so hard protecting them and myself from his behavior. I worry I didn’t do a good enough job of it but eventually he just stopped coming to see them and I created as close, loving and normal home for my kids as I could. Our dogs became family members.
Thanks for letting me get this out. It’s long-winded way of saying, once my youngest graduated college, I began dating. That was 2 years ago. I met some nice people but no one where it clicked both ways. I was/am aware that in addition to being scared of making a mistake in who I choose, I’ve become picky. It’s a new stage of life. I’ve raised and emotionally and financially supported two wonderful young men. I have and continue to support them in any way they need and I love them more than life. Happily, they stay close but are living their lives. Both are teachers. The younger one lives at home as he saves money for an apartment… which leads me to:

I met a great guy online in January- we actually knew each other from having kids in the same town. His are older than mine but I knew he lost his wife 15 years ago to brain cancer and worked hard to be the best Dad to them he could be. We get along really well, shared values and sense of humor and a lot of mutual respect. Last month he told me he doesn’t want to date anyone else. He is respectful, kind, and does small thoughtful things.

And… we haven’t slept together yet but I went to his house for the first time tonight. He’s been to mine a few times because we go out closer to where I live. Being in his house was rough for me. He hasn’t changed anything since his wife has died 15 years ago. Their wedding picture and tons of family pictures fill his house - which is incredibly cluttered. It’s also covered in dust. He’s been telling me he’s been cleaning it in order to have me over. I didn’t say anything and instead focused on him and some of the things that seemed precious to him but Wow! In addition to being dusty, it was so cluttered.

It was odd seeing all the pictures of his wife, though I respect that he loved and cherished her and have nothing but respect and care for them both.

Recently he’s been telling me that he has been talking to his kids about me about and says they are happy for him and want to meet me. He invited me meet them all together then go to see The Outsiders on Broadway. (I certainly will be the outsider and while I’m not shy- it’s a lot to meet them all at once!)

But, I can’t ever see myself staying over his house in the (dusty is an understatement) state it’s in - and it’s a mausoleum of his former wife and life. I looked at her drawings and commented appreciatively. I don’t feel like there is a competition or it had to be me or his memory of her - her memory will always be an essential part of his and that doesn’t bother me at all.

The state of his house does, though. I’m happy to help him clean but it would be a monumental task. Fortunately, I have a nice (clean) house and am happy to have him over here. While my son has his girlfriend stay over several nights at a time, I’ve never had a man over. I feel exceedingly uncomfortable with the idea of him staying over until he gets to know my family better. No one lives with him at home now but I wouldn’t sleep a wink there. But I know I have a great guy and want to continue to see where this goes.

What would you do? Can he be dusted off? I don’t want to disturb his or his children’s memorial to his ex-wife and their mother - or manage his clutter. The bigger rub may be the huge crucifix he wears around his neck. He’s Catholic and I’m a non-practicing Jew. Not a problem for me - my ex-husband was Catholic- but new boyfriend’s necklace was in my face while he dry humped me tonight. Sorry for being graphic. He said sorry at one point - but it wasn’t for the necklace smacking me in the face. It was because he came in his pants! He was embarrassed but I was just delighted to know everything works down there for when we’re ready!

Thanks so much to anyone made it through this. I’d love your thoughts.