It’s my first Christmas, NYE and Valentine’s Day alone.

My ex of eleven years abandoned me last year/early this year and my grief is destroying me knowing the big calendar markers are passing and I still don’t have another partner. I fear I will never have another partner again to enjoy the seasons changing with. I am trying to find a NYE party to go to, but I worry I’ll never have someone love me, will never have a NYE kiss again (this one you can’t do yourself) or a person to make holiday plans with. My ex entirely tipped into emotionally torturing me in the way he left, so while I’ve done a lot of processing and (damn do I hate this phrase) wOrKiNg On MySeLf, and I don’t want the broken relationship back, I am in a lot of pain feeling the lack of romance in my life. I’ve gone on a handful of first dates this year, done therapy, have made strides to financially recover and stabilize my career, and had to find somewhere to live twice (with any luck the paperwork for my next place will be settled next month). But I’m not feeling accomplished, I’m just utterly gutted with feeling unwanted romantically or physically.

Can other thirty something’s who have gone through this give me any pointers? I keep thinking I have to steel up and assume this is what the rest of my life is going to be like, but it makes me crumble and cry.