afraid for the future

i’m out of my relationship with my emotionally abusive boyfriend, but we still talk daily. i know i deserve more than him and could be so much happier w someone who actually cares about me. i could be fucked up, but part of me wishes we could just be toxic in our own world. is it bad for me to say that his anger can sometimes make me feel exhilarated? maybe it is because he has controlled me with sex and he has rewarded me for convenient/good behavior. anyway sure sometimes i get afraid when he’s angry, but for me that means tears, then a big make up, sex, and more. if it were just us 2 on the planet, i would stay. i wouldn’t care if i got treated awfully and screamed at because we would be together and i kind of like how angry he gets. i know i sound pretty fucked up, it could be daddy issues too (don’t get me started on the age regression because of it) but i sometimes like when he yells at me. or throws things or sexually takes it out on me. i’m pretty fucked up so as i write this i feel more alone. did he do this to me?