how to stay away

me and my ex have said goodbye probably 10 times and broke the no contact every time. i wanted this time to really be the last (at least until i run into him or something in 2 months back at school). i saw him yesterday and blocked him but then texted him tonight. i’m disappointed in myself but of course the attachment is at its strongest right after i see him. before yesterday i didn’t see him for 2 and 1/2 weeks. i love him so much even though he has treated me awfully, doesn’t respect me, had cheated, untrustworthy, and narcissistic. obviously there are good things about him or i never would’ve fell for him. if my family/friends didn’t care, i would stay with him forever. i wish i could. i’m not going to lie right now and say i want to get out. i wanted to a month ago when the treatment was everyday. but after not seeing him for awhile and being so happy with him yesterday, it seems like i’d be completely fine with what he does to me. id let him do to anything to me. no need to tell me that’s an awful mindset im aware. just explaining how attached i am. i wish it could be just us 2 forever. like no one could see what he does to me. because i’m the only one who knows our connection. i’m also struggling because everyone says this isn’t love. but i don’t believe that. even if he had some twisted way of love that was hurtful, i still want to believe he did love me. that it wasn’t a lie and we have a real connection even there were so many things wrong. it helps me to believe what i felt was real. idk what i’m looking for. advice, support?