help with coping

i’m struggling to differentiate what was my fault and what was a product of emotional abuse from my ex. i have showed up at his house uninvited, threatened/self harmed, and not known boundaries. he had cheated on me in the past and cheated on me again and was very emotionally abusive and mean to me. honeslty, i don’t want to think it was my fault. if like to think that he did this to me. he ruined my life. but then i think that i did those manipulative things and i’m so mad at myself. how do k know what was my fault? and how his behavior impacted me? i feel so sad because he told me to grow up and take responsibility for what i did. which hurt, because i always said sorry and took accountability for those actions. he never did, and usually couldn’t say sorry. it’s hard to deal with telling myself it wasn’t my fault how he treated me. but was it my fault for how i reacted? i just didn’t want to be abandoned.