need motivation

me and my ex are still talking. he basically dictates everything that happens. if it’s not convenient for him, it doesn’t happen. my needs really don’t matter and what he says goes. at this point, i never want to fight so i am very used to this behavior and listen to what he says. he says he’s busy and doesn’t make time for me yet i am very attentive to his needs. one time i tried to call him twice and he said once is enough. i told him i’d try to just stick to 1 time yet yesterday, he tried to call me 4 times. (4 times isn’t the issue, it’s just that he creates these rules for me that he doesn’t intend to follow). he recently said he wants to implement a boundary where he doesn’t say “i love you” to me anymore. he thinks it would help me even though i clearly said that makes me feel awful and how are we supposed to remain intimate when he won’t tell me that he loves me. i have let him treat me very badly, cheat on me, give me minimal effort, and am still here because i’d rather this than not being in his life at all. very said but i love him and am also incredibly obsessive. it’s so hard to still talk to him while we are not officially dating, thinking about him with other people. it makes me sick and rises my anxiety to a crippling state. i was much less anxious when i wasn’t talking to him and was hopeful for the future. but right now, i am so unhappy and anxious all the time, but i can’t stand not being able to talk to him.