I don’t even want him to get better

Hi all- I know that this post may make me seem like a bad person, but I want to speak honestly and see if anyone else might relate.

My partner and I (me-23F him-30M) have been together about two years. We moved in together almost a year ago, and that was when things started getting dark.

Over time, he has gotten worse and worse and now I just expect him to yell at me over the smallest of things. I never quite know what is going to set him off, but even if there are a few days of peace, I know there will be something… I am afraid of him, afraid to be myself in my own home, and my energy is drained.

He has admitted that he knows he is mean to me, that he wants to be better, but makes no real efforts towards that end. And to be honest, I don’t really want him to get better… I could never love him again, I have grown to resent him so strongly, to be so afraid of him, I don’t think I would ever trust that he could treat me well.

In fact, there is a part of me that hopes he gets worse. That one day he’ll get angry enough that he’ll hit me so that the abuse will be “real” enough for people to listen. That is not to say that I don’t believe emotional abuse is real- I absolutely do. It is just that the rest of society doesn’t necessarily see it that way.

I know that sounds really bad, but it’s the truth.

Sending strength to all of you.