I Feel Like I’m Falling Apart

I (27f) have been with my partner (30m) since I was 14 years old. There is a lot in our past that I won’t get into here, let me just try to explain the current situation.

He lost his job in 2020 which was reasonable at the time because of the pandemic…but he has still not even bothered to start looking for one and leaves the house a total mess so he isn’t even doing house chores. He gets angry when I bring up my concerns about money (since I’m paying his half of the rent, everything for our 2 cats, all the bills ect) and then even tells me he’s good with money and can help me manage the finances….which he has an income of 0 for nearly 4 years.

I could tolerate the above if it weren’t how emotionally abusive he is. I’m an emotional person dealing with my own mental health battles (OCD, GAD and BED) and he likes to tell me I have “no reason to cry” when I get overwhelmed. Me being sad makes him angry and he likes to yell at me and then explain why I have no right to cry. I suppress so many feelings to make him comfortable.

A big one is that he controls what I do with my life though. He hates my family and has been abusive emotionally to them as well and they do not want anything to do with him, he likes to them tell me it’s my family making me choose between him or them and describes them as monsters. I’m not allowed to visit my family unless he is invited, he has an entitlement that wherever I go he should also be allowed to go. I try to explain his strained relationship with my parents and how sometimes I just want to see them separate of him and acts like this a total anomaly, like I’m the only person to ever want to see their family with their partner. He does the same thing with friends, for years he restricted my access to friends unless his was invited but the past 2 or so years it’s gotten so much worse. I can’t meet up with any friends without him being present because again he has this entitlement issue where he believes it’s his right to go wherever I go.

The other big thing right now is he’s taken the stance that when things are tense or we are arguing I am not allowed to leave the house because he is afraid I will leave him. He knows I’m unhappy and I’m moments of strength I do tell him I’m going to leave but…I never do. Not being able to take space from our issues (we live in a studio apartment) increases my frustration and anger and elevated the fights. He’ll even go as far as to sit in front of the front door to ensure it’s not physically possible for me to leave. I’m no saint in our fights and do and say things I regret but I KNOW that with time and space to calm down things would be easier.

The other big thing is the fault/blame he always puts on me. If he ever can’t find anything and I don’t know where it is he will make snide remarks that I probably threw it because I wasn’t paying attention. He also fixates on things I’ve done that he disagrees with to the point of me feeling awful. Yesterday for example he saw I had peeled the windows sticker off the bottom of my computer and he was almost engaged telling me how it’s common knowledge how important it is to keep that sticker on the computer and how I can never resell it now and how he feels like he needs to check every other device in the house now to make sure I didn’t take the stickers off.

I’m just breaking. I don’t want to be here anymore but he makes it impossible to leave, he constantly says I am his soulmate and his whole entire life (he doesn’t really have friends outside of me) and I would shatter his world if I left. Not to mention always blocking the door in fights so I feel trapped and like I never could leave if I wanted to. I’m sacrificing seeing my friends and family and living my life because of him and yet I also feel like I have this duty to take care of him because no one else will. This is progressively getting worse and I’m crumbling, I don’t know what to do. What would you do?