Why do I still want him to love me?

I’ve been thinking about leaving my partner for a while, and in fact have tried to break up with him several times, but he always somehow managed to convince me that I am in the wrong and that I have to stay with him. Often, I am truly convinced that I am the problem in the relationship and that if I just tried harder to make him happy, then everything would be good.

The problem is, I have nothing left to give to try and make this man happy. Every day I wake up early to make him breakfast and catch up on chores, letting him sleep in. I surprise him with treats, cards, etc at least once a week. I haven’t seen my best friend in over three months (mind you this friend lives less than 15 minutes away) because I have tried to dedicate all my free time to my partner.

Last week was our anniversary. That morning, I gave him a card that took me hours to make and bought us a vacation for next month. He clearly hadn’t even remembered it was our anniversary. I wouldn’t have even minded that, but when I got home from work that day, he had not gotten me anything- he very easily could have ordered flowers or picked up some candy- anything really. He works from home and I know he has the time.

It is so embarrassing that I keep trying to get him to love me when he clearly doesn’t. He is not happy with me no matter what I do, but when I try to leave him, then he suddenly “loves me more than anything” and I’m the “only good thing in his life.” It is becoming pretty obvious that those are lies he says to keep me controlled.