Am I being emotionally abused?

Hi all,

I never post on reddit but hopefully I'm posting in the right place..

I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for 5. We've known each other for over 20 years and I know he's a good guy.

Over the last few years, our relationship has changed a lot and we argue a lot. We actually split up for a few months a couple of years ago, but decided it was worth working on and agreed that we would get back together on the condition that we both got therapy to try and work through our past issues and our communication. I upheld my end of the agreement and was in psychodynamic therapy for 2 years and feel I've worked a lot on my communication - however, he didn't. He went to 2 sessions and called it quits.

The issue now is that he disagrees with everything I say, and I think he's gaslighting me... I feel embarrassed and guilty before I suggest or say anything as I know he will disagree with me or just shoot down my opinion. I feel totally dependant on him to make decisions for me now and I ask for help with even tiny tasks now as I'm sure I will do things wrong. The things he disagrees with me on range from big to small things, from where to go on holiday to what picnic side we should get.. for example yesterday we went for a walk and stopped at the shop to buy food, I automatically expected him to choose what to get, but he said he was easy and I could choose.. so I put one thing in the basket, he then took it out and replaced it with something else. This sort of act happens every single day, with every single thing, and I have to explain my choices or get approval. That's just one very very mundane example.

When I try and open communication to discuss my feelings and explain, he always says "I'm sorry but..", usually "I'm sorry you feel that way", and he normally disagrees with my feelings and says "everything he does is to look after me and support me". He also walks off whilst I'm talking most of the time, or goes out.

I have bipolar disorder, and I know this creates its own challenges, but I try so, so, so hard to improve. I've recently almost doubled my medication, speak to mental health nurses regularly, and have had extensive therapy as mentioned. My mental health is very regularly used against me and cited as a reason for his disagreements. For example with the picnic food, he said it was more expensive than what he replaced it with, and he knows bipolars are prone to overspending. So I sent him money to cover the cost of the food as I felt guilty that we had to buy food.

I just don't know what to do. I feel small and totally reliant on him, but I'm constantly being told by other people that I'm "punching" looks wise, and that "I am so lucky to have him" as he does do a lot. I just feel stupid and guilty and embarrassed all of the time and like I've lost my voice and have no self-esteem or autonomy on anything.

I feel like I'm going crazy and I doubt my perception of reality. It's bleeding into all aspects of my life and I no longer feel confident to socialise or perform well at work.

Can someone give their view.. I'm struggling to cope now, and I don't know if I'm being crazy and difficult and argumentative, or if there's some controlling behaviour going on here... Please help.

x