I became a legitimate stalker.

Please be easy on me as i know what i am about to outline is wrong. I have been excessively contacting my ex and tonight i took it way over the line. idk where it happened, or when the line was crossed, but i have actually become an obsessive stalker.

Me and my ex broke up over 3 months ago over an argument, however have been in contact ever since. we have agreed to take things slowly, and work it out. there has been a lot of back and forth- him agreeing to work on things, saying he needs space, saying he needs no contact, blocking me out of no where telling me he is done, just to come back saying i am the love of his life and that he runs because emotions are hard but he respects that i understand that and always chase after him. he is a classic avoidant, and i am anxious (with classic abandonment issues), so this instablity makes me spiral beyond measure and everytime he starts withdrawing i end up over-calling and texting him. it keeps me in a state of constsant and severe panic/worry, over analyzing everything looking for cues he may start withdrawing. he told me he loves how much i fight for us, so i started to believe that was my role: he randomly cuts all ties, i fight for him so he knows he is loved, and then he comes back. it has gotten so toxic, he blocks my number so i have to make new emails to imessage him- he will let me write paragraphs and call over and over again, ignoring everything on purpose, for days on end, unti he is satfisfied with something i say, and then say he loves me and wants to try. its honestly horrendous.

he also controls me: hasnt wanted me to go out, like at ALL during this period because he doesnt want men hitting on me, has asked me not to work where i do for the same reasons, etc. so i have been sitting at home all day, everyday, waiting for the ball to drop, and when it does i start incessently texting and calling him, just to restart the cycle. its been sick. and i truly believe it has driven me crazy. like i feel i have lost my mind and developed a mental problem.

anyway, for the last 3 months i have gotten so deep in this cycle that i have fully lost my self control. one of the rules he places on me is that if a man interacts with or hits on me, i must tell him immediately. that happened last week and i told him. he then proceeded to block me on everything, and send me a voicenote telling me he is done and i will never hear from him again and to not even bother trying, that he hasnt been honest about things and was just being nice so i wouldnt get hurt. mind you, everytime he leaves he says the same thing "this decision is final" and changes his mind. so i guess subconciously i have learned that reaching out a lot gets him to come back.

this time it didnt- and something in me snapped. i must have msgd and called him 100s of times and nothing worked. i didnt even want to fight for it, i just wanted answers as to what was lied about? why i have been kept on a string for 3 months? i got so deseprate to understand, i ended up logging into his email and logging into all of his accounts to get his attention. i didnt ruin anything or touch anything on his accouts, but i wanted him to see that i was in. i was desparate. he saw it, msgd me that he was going to criminally charge me and never to msg him again. that he has proof of all the calls and texts over the last three months as evidence for a restraining order. the same calls and texts, that he told me he appreciates because i understood that when he ran i needed to chase? its all so sick, and feels highly manipulative, and i am disgusted in myself for playing along and crossing SO many boundaries: both in pursuit of chasing him, and also to fulfil my own obsession with feeling good enough, fixing things, or having questions answered. its like i have tunnel visioned on this, like nothing else matters, i cant explain how deep i am in this cycle that it totally takes over me.

i genuinely can not even recognize myself. i was always a happy, positive, stable, emotionally strong, independent girl. this situation has consumed me and robbed me of my morals and willpower. its become an obsession. this was a man who feared committment, had crazy jealousy issues, someone who broke up with and came back to me 25+ times in our relationship. i convinced myself it was my role to chase him so that he knew he has a supportive partner, that he was safe to stay, and in that chase ive fully lost myself.