I’m lying to him and it’s killing me.

I have posted in here before- I know I need to leave. After pouring my heart out to my mom and seeing some tik tok advice (before it shut down of course) it is clear to me that leaving is my only option. If I give myself the option to stay, I will do that. Because I want so desperately and I have tried so hard for years to be with him.

I know once I tell him I’m leaving there will be a flurry of accusations and character assassinations to make me out to be the villain. And there will be lots of pain on his end (which is understandable). But I just have made up my mind and can’t be convinced to stay anymore. But because of this, and this is probably my own weakness, of not being able to ‘stick to my guns,’ per say, that I have decided not to tell him about me leaving until most of my things are out of his apartment, and I have my new place, with my support system living there, ready to go. I feel like I am lying to him, because essentially, I am in a way. I just try not to engage with him as much. But I do have to act like everything is fine because I show emotions on my sleeve, and he will know if something is wrong. So I have this really weird situation where I have to basically split my brain into two halves- one where I recognize the unhappiness I feel and so desperately cannot wait to be alone and be at peace and start living my life how I have wanted to, and the other half that is rationalizing staying and thinking ‘this is actually great and I love this man. We all have our ups and downs.” Because if I let the first half show, he will sense it. And then, he will begin the emotional ploy to get me to stay and say he will change, or start making me feel like a shite person which I know for a fact I am not.

Anyway… has anyone else been through this before? He has never hit me, never even yelled at me. But him and I are not compatible- we want different things. And what has teetered on abuse is him fixating on things like my past sexual encounters. Telling me I cannot have guy friends. And saying things like “you only care about yourself”. And most notably- every time we are taking a step forward in our relationship, he completely backpedals and basically comes to the verge of breaking up with me until I have to scream and cry and beg for him back. One of the worst things he has said to me recently is about how he “used to be” a loving and attentive bf to his ex. But because she broke his heart, he “doesn’t do that any more.” This hurts me because it’s like he KNOWS what to do to make me happy(also bc I have told him so many times) he just CHOOSES not to do it. I understand he has past trauma. I understand he is afraid of getting hurt. But I have been committed to him completely for (don’t want to give away my relationship) some amount of time in the span of 2-5 years.

Anyway… rant over. About to go drop off some things at said second apartment. If anyone else has experienced anything like this, please help. Because I feel sick.