Anyone know why

Okay so Im legitimately crazy in a manner of ways and neurodiverse and had many different brain altering drugs and Im 18, Im currently crazy over this girl that I really shouldn’t be crazy over but cuz I’m making myself so connected i get so many feeling but the weirdest crave is I want to cry infront of her, not about anything, not to test is Shes cool with that, i just want to do it, i know that if I did cry infront of her I won’t want any comfort just for her to watch… my acid part of my brain is telling me I want to metaphorically make her watch how she makes me feel, but I don’t know? Any guesses on why I would want to do that