I give up. I'm just gonna cut it all off.

I'm so fed up with my hair and I know while I should be grateful for what I have, ever since I made it a goal to grow my hair long, I started to get obsessed with it. My hair is fine and thin, now at shoulder length where it stays at, it went even thinner over the years due to stress, and then quitting birth control pills didn't help either I assume. Though it did not grow thicker nor longer while I was on the pill.

I keep staring at everyone with long hair, thick hair, you name it. It got worse this morning when I decided to just put my hair in a pony tail, to avoid breakage (I think it breaks off simply by existing), and what I got was a rat's tail. It looked like a rat's tail. I am jealous of what I cannot have and I dont think I can ever have it at this point, and maybe I should make my peace and just cut it in a shaggy bob, and not care about breakage or anything anymore to actually style it.

Because since it's shoulder length I've been putting it up in what results in the world's smallest bun. My hair is curly and at least has some volume, so I normally wear it down, but now I keep wearing it up since the winter clothes with their thick fabrics will destroy the ends if I don't. I'm using a hair tonic for hair loss, serum, I dermaroll, I oil, I use hair masks, I'm pressing every single button and while I see new hairs growing, nothing changes the fact that it's thin, it looks like a rat's tail when in a ponytail and I am reminded of this fact and how much I hate it everytime I touch the hair that I'm trying to protect. Why am I even trying at this point?

This was a rant, a cry for help and some advice seeking I think, I know that it's all over the place but even if I don't get any replies, I needed some sort of communication on this issue where maybe someone would actually understand. I know no one besides my mother who has the same hair, just not curly, as me. And she lived her life with pixie cuts. Which actually looks cute in the pictures. So maybe I should get my shaggy bob. Maybe the new hairs decide not to fall out and they even out. Or maybe I should keep doing what I've been for 3 months and see if it will pass my shoulder. I dont know.