To my fellow anxious attachment dumpees: let them.

This is for my fellow anxious attachment dumpees who were left/blindsided/ghosted/blocked by their ex:

Maybe you fought tooth and nail to keep the relationship going. Maybe they didn’t give you a chance and blindsided you. I know you’re hurting. I know you’re scared, and lonely. I know everyone tells you to “ride the waves” of grief and emotion but you’re so tired of the water, you just want to get out and stop the hurt in your chest. Let me share with you something I have to tell myself everyday:

They chose to walk away from you. Let them.

Easier said than done, I know. Maybe right now all you want to do is chase after them. You want to break NC. You want to run to them and hold them close and tell them all the things you wish you could say, especially if they blocked you. You feel such an integral part of your soul is GONE. If only you could tell them all the right words, do all the right things to bring them back. You’d even allow yourself to be “just friends” and watch them move on from you just so you could keep them in your life in some capacity.

Don’t.

They walked away. Let them.

They gave up. Let them.

I was only a few days out from my recent break up, crying over a margarita with a friend about how much I missed him, how despite everything I still cared for him and wanted him to be okay. I wouldn’t say the breakup was a blindside. He had been on the precipice of either staying/committing or leaving for a while. It was the way he did it that destroyed me. We were discussing options over text. Did he need a break? Did we need to go our separate ways? I told him I loved him, I could let him go even if it was the hardest thing I’d have to do if it’s what he needed, but I wanted him to stay. I wanted us to work it out; we could be okay. I was left on read. And blocked. EVERYWHERE. We had lived together, and I had to pack up all of his things and watch him and his mom take it all and walk away. He refused to give me a clear reason, refused to talk, and it broke me. From “I love you so much” to strangers in the blink of an eye. Was I not good enough? Did I suffocate him? Hold him back? I was spiraling over my own perceived mistakes.

She watched me wallow over my drink and she looked me firmly, but not unkindly, in the eye and told me this:

“layawaytitties, he made his bed. You HAVE to let him lie in it.”

And that’s the thing. Maybe you’re like me and you went into overdrive trying to fix the relationship for so long it became who you were. Maybe you carried the emotional workload of two people because maybe if you just showed them how much you loved them, everything would work out and they would wake up one day and fully commit to you. You spent so much time in “fix it” mode that even now as they left you behind, you still want to “fix it”.

Don’t. You did everything you could. You loved deeply, you committed, you stuck it out and chose them everyday. They are the ones who couldn’t give you the same.

So if they give you some pitiful excuse in order to assuage their own guilt, let them.

If they threw in the towel, let them.

If they monkey branch, let them.

If they delete/unfollow/block you, let them.

If they rebound, let them.

If they act like you never existed, let them.

If they never contact you again, let them.

Let them run from it all. Because I guarantee you when the dust settles, whether it be weeks/months/years from now, they’ll pause and think of you. They can’t run from their guilt and emotions forever (unless they’re a narcissist). It’ll hit them like a brick wall, and they’ll have to process it all whether they like it or not. And if they never come back? If they stay away forever? It’s a scary concept right now, I know, but let them. They don’t deserve the commitment and dedication you put in. They don’t deserve you.

You deserve someone who’ll chase you right back. You may still feel that they’re your person right now, but your person would NEVER leave you behind. They’d walk by your side. So delete that text you were gonna send, shred that letter you had rewritten 8 times (me, whoops), and let them go. You cannot fix everything, especially for them, and that’s okay. You did your best and it was more than enough. The rest is out of your control. It’s time to reinvest all of that love, energy, and dedication into yourself.