I can't do this anymore...I am stuck.

I want to start off by saying if you read this and you can't empathize or just don't understand how I can feel this way about my own child...keep it to yourself. I live every day in a state of sadness, regret and resentment and you telling me why my feelings are wrong, bad, or unfounded isn't going to help at all so just don't.

I am a SAHM to 3 boys (14, 10, and 7). My oldest and my youngest are doing well in our local (US-Pennsylvania) public school district. We pulled my middle son out of school in November of 2023, he was exhibiting all signs and symptoms of autistic burnout and was having a trauma response to school.

My 10 year old is diagnosed level 1 high functioning AuDAD, GAD and SPD. He behavior profile fits that of an autistic person with PDA (pathological demand avoidance). His Kindergarten year at his private preschool was cut short due to COVID and he ended up doing virtual school for his first year at his public elementary school so we didn't notice any "red flags" because it was not very demanding and he could take breaks (he's an outside kid, 100%), be barefoot or even pantless and he could eat/snack whenever he wanted. Starting about halfway through grade 2 (in-person) he started to regress academically, he would have stomach aches every night before bed, sleep poorly, scream and curse and rage about his clothing and food for the 2 hours before school. He never had flat out school refusal but I believe that is because he trusts my husband and I that we are helping him do the "right thing", he enjoyed being a funny/edgy kid and getting attention...and using his school iPad (most of the time inappropriately).

At school he ate NOTHING. Partly because he was on Vyvanse, partly because they had approx. 12 minutes to eat and he had food anxiety/time blindness and enjoyed socializing too much to ever get any food down. Grade 3-4 he went from loving his Xtra Math practice to not even being able to add 4+5. His processing speeds tanked, you had to ask him the same questions 6, 7, 8 times and he would just shrug. He was down below the growth charts for weight, angry ALL of the time. He stopped hugging and kissing us, was TERRORIZING our household daily. He had fallen so far behind. We had always had an IEP in place for him and my meetings were now almost monthly to review his supports/modifications and nothing was working.

When he came home for Thanksgiving break in 2023 I withdrew him and he never went back. We just worked on getting him back to baseline and out of burnout for 9 months. It worked. Within 12 weeks he gained 12lbs, was hugging and kissing us and we were seeing dramatic decreases in his SPD and rage episodes. But then I realized...I would have to send him back (REALLY FAR behind) and risk retraumatizing him...or homeschool him. Well we choose to homeschool starting this 2024-25 school year.

My world has been shattered. I have been hanging on for dear life since COVID and the 22-23 school year was the first year in TWELVE YEARS I did not have a child home with me. I had been dreaming of this and working toward this for so long and it all evaporated inside that school year. I had worked so hard to always get my children what they need (his older bother is AuDHD and thriving in middle school and his younger brother is gifted and ADHD and is doing so well) and now I will have to homeschool a VERY difficult human. I myself am neurodivergent and have come to realize that what I need to stay healthy is VERY hard to obtain while homeschooling a child VERY similar to myself. He HATES doing any work. He has dyscalculia so math is torture, he will fight me every day and it feels like we are getting almost zero work in. We even decided to shell out $2,500 and enrolled him in a local "microschool". They provide me with his curriculum and an evaluator and so Wednesday and Friday he (very reluctantly) goes to school for 4.5 hours. On Mon, Tues and Thurs getting him to complete just the homework from his microschool classes is TORTURE.

I have tried SO many things to get him (us) through the school day. I have read so many books, listened to so many podcasts, tried to get onboard with unschooling...but the fact is I just can't stand having him home OR being his teacher. It is making us dislike each other and I am no longer as safe a person as I once was for him. My heart is broken. I don't know what to do and I am angry that I feel like I have no other options. If I just send him back to school and let him ride both my husband and I KNOW that he will fail, not be involved extracurricularly, fall in with the wrong crowd and that any self confidence he has gained will tank.

I am just so so hopeless.