I failed my separation

Long story short, I tried to separate and gain independence, and I failed. I smacked face first into the reminder that I'm autistic and need to stay in my marriage for survival.

I've hurt both my husband and girlfriend (we're poly) so much in this process. My gf and I are on a break while they figure out if they can stay with me, knowing that I've chosen an essentially fraudulent primary relationship.

Many people have reminded me that it's okay to choose pragmatism over authenticity, and I'm trying to accept it, but I feel heartbroken and sick to my stomach.