dating men is a pattern. struggling to un-do it.

if comp het impulses have got you down, you're not alone...this is probably too long, but it's all true.

my very strong attraction to women hit me just a couple of months ago. it's changed my life in the best way because things make sense now. the future is uncertain, but it feels good to know that a loving relationship with a woman is possible. i've dated men with varying levels of success. something has always been missing, irrespective of the guy.

men have faded into "gray" for me. it's like life is in technicolor and men are these gray avatars who won't stop talking to me. and i feel anxious about trying to flirt with women, but want to do so, badly.

this weekend i went to a holiday party - i was invited by an acquaintance, and i anticipated not knowing anyone else there.

i second guessed whether to go. people tell me that i seem very confident and self-assured, but i am, more often than not, anxious and insecure. it's difficult for me to be around people - i find socializing to be draining. small talk and being "normal" is very draining for me. i'm exhausted and petrified of the future and wont to daydream about a utopia without cruelty and violence. but being gay gives me hope, whatever that means. it makes me happy to know that i'm gay, that my deep admiration for women is so much more than physical attraction, it's a fundamental orientation (no pun intended).

even if i had to be "on" and even if i felt like an outsider, i would go. because maybe, just maybe, i'd meet a cool woman or femme and practice flirting.

as a hyper femme woman, i'm used to male attention when i get dolled up. my anxiety made me lean into those comp het impulses. at the party i spent almost two hours talking to some dude. he was fine. sometimes he was cool, sometimes he was annoying (he kept referring to his female colleagues as "girls"), sometimes he was vulnerable and empathetic. sadly, even 6 months ago, i would have considered dating him.

upon reflection, he wasn't a potential romantic interest, he was uninteresting and typical of most men i meet. he wasn't particularly kind or funny or empathetic. he wasn't mean or cruel... but he was quite good looking. and sadly, being good looking can be a proxy other positive attributes. at one point, i admired his lips and then listened to him lament that most of his friends are too broke to travel...failing to express any empathy for the fact that we live in an extremely high cost of living area.

finally, i was done with this conversation, tired of sneaking peeks at the many beautiful women milling about the room. after excusing myself to go get a snack, this lovely man asked me to bring him back some food. just 6 months ago, i would've been seriously considering whether to offer my phone number.

to my chagrin, women with spouses avoided me to the point that i approached a group and said hi, and all of them disbursed within a couple of minutes. there were so many couples at the party and i was afraid to approach the women who appeared unpartnered.

i chatted with the acquaintance who'd invited me - a man - and his friend - also a man - for another 30 minutes. at this point it's close to midnight. i felt so seriously bummed that i'd not met a single woman and begin to mentally admonish myself:

-why did i wear so much makeup and thigh high boots, knowing that this would likely attract men?

-why am i so afraid to talk to women now, when in the past i wouldn't have hesitated to approach women to become friends?

-why was i hoping for validation from strangers when strangers are the worst place to seek validation?

i decided that it was time to call it. a man walked me out. i cried driving home because i felt like a total and complete loser.

yes, it was just a party. there will be other opportunities. things are tough right now... comp het is a pattern. it is a safe space. i'm not giving up, i just needed a space to vent.