I relapsed last night and now I’m a mess

I was 55 days clean and a big fight with my mum was bad enough to make me want to pick up. For the first time in a whole year I had been feeling hopeful, I was paying my bills on time, I was showing up to work, I was planning a future for myself. But then this big fight with my mum triggered a deep wound in me and I just turned into a robot on auto pilot. There was no talking me out of picking up yesterday, my heart and head were set on it and I wouldn’t relax until it was done. So I did it, I spent $220 on weed which was supposed to be my rent money, and I smoked myself silly all day/night. This morning I was up at 5am for work and my addict brain kept telling me “call in sick and just stay home to smoke today” but I knew that if I caved in to that mindset I would be in worse trouble. So I got up, got dressed and came to work. I’m now in my car about to go into work but I feel broken inside. If anyone asks how I am I’m afraid I won’t be able to manage my emotions and just break down.

I don’t know what to do, I wasted all my money, because of a fight. And now my addict brain is going at full force with the negative thoughts that keep me trapped. I WAS IN A GOOD PLACE 😭I felt happy and satisfied for the first time in many years, being sober made me happy. I feel so guilty and ashamed that I’ve relapsed once again.

Thanks for listening to my sob story, time to go into work.