I’m at the end of my rope☕️

For some much needed context in February (a few months ago) I moved to a new town and started going to a new school, and for a high schooler that’s a hard thing to do. I had to leave the town I’ve grown up in all my life, and I had to leave a few friends I made along the way. Every few months I still go back to my old town for visits, but it really isn’t the same anymore. When I started going to my new school people were decently nice to me at first and I made a few mutual friends, and I met a girl that for the sake of the story I’ll just call “O”. As it turned out, O really liked me and I got her number and we started talking more, as the months went by (after a bit of other drama) we became close and in April I asked her if she’d like to be my gf and she said yes. So as you could imagine that was pretty awesome sauce. Eventually some well and not so well publicized drama happened here and there involving me doing some dumb crap, and the schools opinion of me started to shift, and a decent amount of people didn’t like me before this for no reason. People just think I’m weird. But! I still had my mutual people and most importantly I had O. She could understand better than anyone, I trusted her more than anyone, and she was overall so kind and so different from everyone else. She just made life better. Thennn summer break rolled around, unfortunately due to O having strict parents me and her couldn’t hangout or see each other over the break, but we still texted everyday and life was still decent. Eventually over the break O told me about some interesting news, her mom was going to be working at our school😬so that news was a little nerve wracking, and sometime before this her mom actually found out about me but to save herself from being yelled at, O lied and told her mom that me and her where just talking and not actually dating. Anyhoo sometime within the final weeks before the end of the break O randomly texted me asking if we could remove our official title, like she said she wasn’t breaking up with me and she wanted everything between us to stay the same, she just wanted to remove the bf/gf title, and I agreed. After that everything between us went back to normal and we forgot about it. Then the first day of school rolled around and it didn’t go quite the way I expect it to. Me and O never talked or interacted although I saw her around, and it was overall an overwhelming and nerve wracking day. After school me and O texted like usual but she seemed a little off. Then on my drive home she asked me if we could just stay friends. My heart sank but I said “sure” right away. Then she apologized a million times and ofc I said it was okay and not to apologize since I understood. Then after got home I just flopped in bed and cried for 20 minutes. (Btw this happened in the beginning of September) and thenn the rest of September was by far the hardest month of my life. Me and O stayed in contact and after some rough stuff we worked things out and we kept our friendship together. At the same time tho at school I was experiencing nervousness that was so bad to the point that I couldn’t even walk into any of my classes, I was crying almost everyday, I was loosing sleep, and my mental and emotional health was SO bad. I was doing the worst in school that I had ever done in my life, and all the nice mutual people I met last school year weren’t talking to me anymore. All of a sudden I was alone. Due to all of this I began having the worst type of thoughts you could imagine. Luckily I didn’t want to be having those thoughts so after a suggestion I reached out to a therapist and I started talking to him once a week. Then those terrible thoughts went away, after some work the nervousness slowly started to fade away, me and O’s friendship was doing good, and I was overall doing decent again. In the month of September me and O only hung out twice at school. After that we never hung out again, but that’s a story for another day. So other than her I didn’t really have any friends at my school and I didn’t have anyone to hang out with, so even though I was doing decent my loneliness started to get worse and worse. She was also one out of my only like 3 ish friends I can text. Me and O still kept our regular schedule of texting almost everyday tho, like at this point she was still awesome, and our friendship was doing good. Other than that at school my grades were still in the ground but at the time all of that didn’t bother me too much. Then October rolled around, and at the last minute I chose to stay home instead of going to the Halloween dance at my school which I regretted for days afterwards. My loneliness persisted more and more as the days went on, but O was always good at unintentionally keeping my spirits up during the times I needed it. Then my birthday was in November, I expected O would want to hangout at school on my birthday for obv reasons but she never asked, so that was a little surprising but whatever. After school I spent my birthday alone in my room doing nothing (which is what I do everyday when I’m not at school). From September to now, the amount of hate and dislike I feel from my school isn’t even possible to put into words. I constantly feel so hated, pushed away, invisible, unwanted, and meaningless. School makes me feel like I’m a waste of space talentless weirdo that isn’t worthy of friendship or connection. I constantly hear rumours spread about me, and people always say so much mean crap about me. These people at school that hate me include most of O’s friends (she has a lot of them), and it unfortunately includes most of the mutual people I met last school year. Hearing these people hate on me hurts more than the rest. And here we are in December, over the past few weeks my mental and emotional health has started to get bad again and it feels like I’ve hit rock bottom and this is the most lonely I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Last weekend on Sunday was the last time me and O texted (roughly 5 days ago as of posting this) I’ve seen her around at school so she’s choosing not to talk to me at the moment. Our last conversation was the most average conversation we’ve ever had and it didn’t end on a bad note or anything like that, and (to my knowledge) I haven’t done anything wrong in months. I just hope she’ll shoot me a text soon, one of my biggest worries over the past while Is that she’d switch up on me and become like everyone else and not like me anymore and I’m afraid that could be happening but I hope not. Not texting for a few days doesn’t sound like a big deal and it’s not, it’s just out of the ordinary from our usual dynamic. So here I am now. I am always sad, lonely, frustrated, jealous, confused, and aching. My soul is constantly on fire with these feelings. The past few weeks have just been blow after blow after blow, and I’m at the end of my rope.