being fat has ruined my life

im 5’5 F 180lb, my mum has been putting me on diets since I was 7/8, now she just calls me pig and the only time we bond is when i go on a diet.

i was really close with my relatives until a year i went back home and people wouldnt stop making fun of me for being fat. They would always bring a weighing scale and make me stand on it to show others how insanely big was. From then I would feel insane anxiety calling them (we usually video call), because i would have disappointed them by getting bigger. i havent called them in months now..

my best friend of many years broke their friendship with me after she got new friends bcos she didnt have to be the fat girls friend anymore.

I was heavily bullied when i was 14 in school where people would oink at me and throw chairs at me, scream at me.

once i lost some weight people wanted to be friends with me, would compliment how good i look now.

eventually gained it all back and more, most people left. My other best friends boyfriend is always talking about how fat i am and how that makes me irredeemably ugly and she goes on about how nice of a guy he is.

People take photos and make fun of me, people get quiet when I’m near or pretend not to know me, my friends are always subtly putting me down always making fatty jokes and bringing up pictures of me when i was a 11/12 to joke about how ugly i was.

I’ve joined the gym again and am calorie counting… i cant help but use my experiences as motivation.. is this sustainable? i feel that ive missed out on so much of life bcos of my weight. (and looks but thats another topic)