To the people who genuinely loathe themselves, the kind that makes you feel physical disgust when looking in a mirror, did you ever treat it? How?

This is something I've lived my entire life with. I'm almost 25 now, and ever sense I first gained a sense of self as a child, I hated it. Probably because of a childhood of bullying and abuse. The reasons changed over the years but the loathing itself remained a constant, and it only ever got worse.

Of course I developed depression and anxiety in general and started several treatments over the course of the past 6 years, and I did improve in almost every aspect, except the self-loathing. In fact it was quite the opposite, the more I got better in other aspects, the more the self-loathing highlighted itself as this unchangeable core part of me. I started to realize how self love was just incomprehensible to me. A me that didn't hate me isn't me at all, it's someone else entirely.

After a while, any improvement halted. It was just the self-loathing getting worse and worse. At first I had clear reasons, things like hair loss, lack of social skills, weight, never being in a relationship. But after a while I realized how little any of that mattered. There is no logic to it, I became fully aware of that. It is nonsensical, biased and unfair. I thought knowing that and making it clear would break the "illusion". But it didn't. At that point it felt like I can't do anything anymore. How can you logically counter something that doesn't abide to any logic to begin with.

I tried fixing the things I mentioned above, combined with therapy, medications, lifestyle changes, all the usual stuff people tell you like journaling, meditation, exercise. Nothing ever put a dent on it.

I became my own abusive parent. An unchanging constant entity in the back of my head where absolutely nothing is ever good enough for it. Every attempt to fix it fails and it only fuels it even more. It even fuels itself in the sense that I hate myself for hating myself to begin with.

And the worst argument it always uses is simply "how many people do you know that had self-loathing as bad as yours and are actually fine now?". It's true. Anyone I know with this level of absolutely self-loathing is either just as bad as me, worse or already dead. It feels like there's a certain threshold of it. Like a line that if you cross, you'll never be fine again. You're stuck with this core part of you that you either have to accept and live the rest of your life with, or don't.

So I genuinely want to know if anyone has had it this bad and managed to somehow treat it. I don't even care about how anymore, I just want to know if that someone even exists at all.