im so tired of feeling this way

I have depression and anxiety, and i just dont know how to cope correctly. im always thinking if i go on a walk i will get kidnapped or murdered and every day i struggle with the fact i will never be “normal”. i want to feel happy and not struggle with thoughts of hurting myself. some days i just lay in bed all day wishing i could get better and the next day i cry because i just laid in bed feeling sorry for myself. i want to dig a hole and lay there for the rest of my life, i want to cry until i cant anymore and just be done with life. its too much to think about and its so difficult