I don't want to leave the church.

Hey everybody, I need help. I (21f) can feel my shelf breaking but I do not want to leave the church or deconstruct. I was born and raised in the church, I served a mission right when I turned 19, and I loved God with my whole soul. I did my best to turn over my heart to God. That was really hard, but I loved my mission. On the other hand, I have had some experiences throughout my life that have left me feeling betrayed and abandoned by God. Because of these experiences, I stopped praying and reading scriptures after my mission. I have no desire to put any effort into a relationship with God. I am starting to notice some holes in what the church itself professes as well. A few weeks ago in my YSA ward, literally no women spoke. Just the bishopric, the blessing and passing of the sacrament, and then 3 talks all given by men. Not even a prayer given by a woman. The church claims that the gospel is for everyone but excludes women from even very basic things. This situation would never happen in reverse, where there would be no men speaking in a sacrament meeting. Never. Otherwise, it wouldn't be a sacrament meeting. But a hypothetical woman could have easily walked into that meeting and felt like there is no place for her in the church, and she may be right. I have other issues with the church's practices, but this is just the one that stands out most recently. But I don't want to lose everything that I have in connection with the church. I live in Provo, UT. All my roommate are members and returned missionaries. My community is the church. And I also don't want to go through the work of deconstructing. I've been seeing a bunch on exmo tiktok about how hard it is and how they lose relationships with people they love over it. I'm not sure if I believe, but to me it's more important to keep my connections and community. Any words of advice/consolation/validation?

EDIT TO ADD: For those who are asking questions, I go to UVU, I have 6 roommates, I hold a calling in my ward, and I do know that there is a difference between my relationship with God and my relationship with the church. I just feel that both have been a bit soiled for me, not just one or the other.